Albert was living a sad existence. Everywhere he went, people didn’t accept him. No matter what he did, it seemed that people always saw him as a waste of time and did not speak to him. Everyone else seemed to get the better deal, and it seemed pretty much that nobody ever game him a chance.

He blamed everything and everyone. From being a hard worker, he soon gave up and avoided work, passing the buck to others. Soon, it came to a point where his wife confronted him.

“Albert, why aren’t you ever doing your work anymore? You used to go to work with good feelings, but something has changed. What happened?”

“Everyone just hates me, Martha,” he said in dejection. “I can’t do my best because people are waiting to pounce on my every failure. Nothing I do satisfies them, so why should I even put in my best at that god-forsaken hell hole?”

Does this sound familiar? The workplace environment has probably got the better of you at some point or other. Yet, Albert has made a choice that will possibly damage him for the rest of his life.

Our brain has a mechanism for remembering and locking information in known as “long-term potentiation”. It is the build-up of calcium when neurons of a certain group are actively being fired. This solidifies the connections and ensures that habit is formed.

Albert’s just done that for a pattern of avoidance. This pattern is particularly important because of the self-preserving need to avoid negative emotions.

However, when this decision is made, it is likely that it limits Albert in a way that prevents him from seeing other opportunities. It is simple to point the finger at other people, but it isn’t easy to take responsibility. It is easy to wish that things were better, but it is tough to look into oneself and acknowledge we haven’t grown enough to be able to deserve what we want.

Recently, a participant in my program decided to distance himself from the program. He was a rather skeptical and antagonistic participant who had nothing but criticism in his comments. He blamed him company for sending him to the training. He blamed his manager for not promoting him. He claimed that after all he had done, people were merely making use of him and causing him to suffer.

While I recognized his pain, I just could not believe that he would give up the things that would secure his future. After all, the state he was in would definitely create more problems than solve them. I asked him what he wanted, and he was quick to say he wanted everyone else to suffer like he wanted. Then I asked him what he really wanted by doing that. He said that people don’t understand him, look down on him and despise him.

So I looked at him and said this.

People don’t understand you, look down on you and despise you so you can rise above them and show them you are far more understanding than them. By doing what you are doing, you are not only stooping to their level, you are also limiting yourself from being greater than you should be.

I’m not sure if he got my message. All I know is that he became more receptive and participative, and I believe he learnt something new about himself.

Sometimes, we can’t wish for the world to be better. We can only become better so that we can make the world a better place, and it all begins with you.

This may sound idealistic. After all there are obstacles, barriers and practical reality. Here’s what I would like to say to those of you who feel that this is nothing more than just an ideal way of looking at the world:

There are always obstacles, barriers and practical realities to deal with: they are there you can rise above them and show that you are far more than just a pawn. Choosing to remain a pawn, you are limiting yourself from being greater than you should be.

So, choose. That’s your ultimate capability. Use it wisely.

It seems a lot of people are looking to become good life coaches.

I’ve discovered that really great coaches are not hard to find, they’re just hard to develop. They are a special breed of people who want to do the right thing for a noble (sometimes lofty or idealistic) purpose.

So what exactly is coaching in the first place? As a good coach, you need (i) experience connecting with people you can help, (ii) looking for patterns of behavior that can help them move toward the direction of their choice, and (iii) resolve limiting patterns of behavior by looking for resources they already have, which they could missed.

Here are some competencies of a good life coach.

1. Identifying desired outcome of a client.

A good number of clients have absolutely no idea what they want. Either that or they are confused with the choices before them. A good coach must be able to understand their clients well enough to open up possibilities to them.

2. Uncovering the limiting patterns in a client.

Everyone has limitations. In the case of your client, they may face limitations in various areas including emotional, knowledge, strategy, behaviors and even communication. To be able to identify these patterns, a coach must be prepared to detect similarities across contexts.

I was listening to one of my clients who had told me that his dream was to become a wealthy business owner. The interesting thing is that when asked to describe his immediate environment, he said that the place was disorganized and messy. In parallel, I asked if the immediate environment reflected that of a wealthy business owner, and he said “no”. Instead, he recognized that his state of mind was messy, just like his environment.

It is cases like this when you can see the pattern of something being “just like the other” where you can draw a parallel and discover new patterns of behavior and understanding.

3. Dealing with resistances.

There will be clients who pose a conscious or unconscious resistance when working with them. Coaches need to find the best possible way to connect and handle the resistances that are presented to them. Conscious resistances may indicate that there could be unconscious agreement, and unconscious resistances may give way to unconscious disagreement.

I find that sometimes, the more a person resists consciously, that energy is moving in one direction that can be utilized. As an example, saying “I’m not stubborn” in a determined or stubborn manner may be useful to reveal resources that are not in their conscious awareness.

So I would be naive to believe that I can fill up all the life coaching essentials in such a short post. I’ll definitely add more as I continue to groom more life coaches to support the growth of people in the world today.

photo credit: dunzki

This interesting question popped up when I was speaking to one of our coaches during the Patterns Of Excellence program. When someone is lost, under what conditions would one be lost?

Here are common responses:

• when you can’t find your way;
• when you are out of options;
• when you can’t make a decision;
• when you have too many choices.

It wasn’t long before I realized that people who are “lost” are looking for a solution on the outside rather than on the inside. In other words, you can go out there and do one of the following:

• help people
• get upset, drunk or both
• read a book to seek answers
• stumble along wherever the world takes you
• search for a coach or a mentor

But unless it comes from a clear sense of who you are and why you do what you do, the positive gain you get from doing these things will only be temporary.

For many, the education system has given us a free ride up a ladder that hasn’t been questioned for years. We have been told to go to the next level and the next level after that, often taking “required” classes. I remember wondering why I had to learn certain things in mathematics, which I still don’t use up till this day. You go through the system from primary to secondary school or high school, then to a tertiary institution like a polytechnic or a university (or college for my friends from the other side of the world), get a degree, then get to work.

However, working itself may not have a ladder to climb. The corporate rat race keeps us moving up the ladder until one day, you are fired or you retire. Then all sense of direction is gone. You start working as an entrepreneur, then only you have the power to choose where you need to go, not the Ministry of Enterpreneurship. There’s no GCE ‘O’ or ‘A’ levels to pass. There’s no Diploma to earn. All there is are results.

This is the point where one’s personal alignment comes to be tested. Do you know who you are? Do you know what drives you? Do you have an inner compass that helps to to decide what move to make next?

A lot of the time, seeking clarity requires us to jump out of our current way of thinking to seek a different perspective. If you can’t do it, you may need someone to mentor or coach you to see things differently and in a more empowering and directed manner. These questions are readily answered when you take some time out and learn to rediscover yourself, and of course that place to do it matters. If you’re looking for direction, discover yourself at the Patterns Of Excellence.

I think many people are in a state of flux, looking for ways to achieve things and yet being caught up with feelings that conflict with the results they want. In the end, they stay where they are.

This is known to many people as ‘learned helplessness’, or the inability to do something because of a fear of what will happen. This fear is so intense that being punished for not moving forward has no effect, and the individual is trapped in the ultimate dilemma of being punished regardless of what choice is made.

I believe the solution to his does not come from thinking, or through logic. It is a very important step to consider the logic behind things. At the same time, the feelings you have are the ones that will push you to take action.

I believe there are three ways to get personal power.

The first way is to understand yourself better. What emotions drive you? How well do you know your own patterns? Every time you get a result in your life, do you reflect on it? Each time you get upset, do you know why? All these point to being able to know more about yourself in depth and not just on the surface.

The second way is to draw on someone else’s power. If you have a mentor or a leader who can show you the way,  then all you really need to do is place your energy in support of this person as they lead the way forward.

The final way is to develop new skills. Skills that can generate tangible or observable results. In many cases, skill and knowledge building happens for the sake of knowledge itself. I’d prefer to ask the question: what problem do you want to solve? Knowledge that can be used is what can enable power in your life.

Just a quick post here. I’m not sure if any of you have watched Star Wars, or if you are fans. Personally, I’m not crazy about it, but there are lessons to learn there.

Firstly, you have Yoda who represents the Mentor. It’s a person that almost everyone needs to have in their life. If you are without a mentor, then there will be experience that cannot be learned simply through your own experience. The Mentor guides you down the right path.

Secondly, you have the two faces of Luke Skywalker. First on Dgobah, he was generally open to learning but wasn’t willing to put in his best effort. He failed and started giving excuses. However, Luke was amazed at what Yoda could do with the ship on Dgobah, a kind of “proof” of capability. Once a student is filled with purpose and hope, the learning takes a completely new direction.

Thirdly, the question of resources. Yoda talks about a “Force” that surrounds us and connects us. A lot of the time, this is dismissed as mumbo jumbo. But in reality, we do have inner resources and potential that we do not use. Most of us don’t harness our best efforts, time or commitment to getting certain things done. The truth is we have been able to do it all along, and the limitations we sent on ourselves prevent us from going all the way.

Who said that watching movies was just for entertainment!

I was just watching the 2009 Oprah Show “Class In America” and listening to how so many people are getting angry and upset by people who are rich. Sure, there’s lots of people who are now retrenched and can’t find a job, but I think this has probably caused a change in consciousness.

Recently, I was conducting a training program for a corporation. One guy in particular was pretty low in energy and was constantly not paying attention, looking away and appearing fairly uninterested. He was probably in his mid-40s. During the second day, I had a chance to interact with this person and found out that he had been retrenched for over 18 months and was on this new job for only a few months.

It set me thinking. Are some people who have been laid off responsible for their plight? Was this man fired because of the low energy and disinterested manner in which he ran his life?

The blame game is easy to play because it means we don’t have to do much. The power is now given to other people to make things happen. But a lot of the time, you have to realize that blaming is a luxury we don’t have. As much as I would like to blame, it is from moving on that helps me get the results that I want. And yes, even in situations that I deem to be unfair to me, responsibility for what I could do that I didn’t yet do so that such a thing would never happen to me again.

I recently discovered that some people I used to work with are complaining that they have so much more work to do and keeping the same pay. Strangely, their boss knows me and he is a little disappointed that they have such an attitude. It has become obvious to him that their quality of work had declined, but he says “I can let them go anytime, no one is indispensible except the one who contributes beyond themselves in this organization. That person I will reward.”

So, I think it’s time to go back to ourselves and ask a serious question: how much power do we really want? How far do we want to go? That is the measure of how much responsibility to take upon yourself to make the right kinds of choices to move forward, and not get trapped by the negativity of the blame game.