A training participant once approached me and said that his life was in a big mess and just did not know where to start. I had three questions for him:
- Is it important enough to change?
- Is it beneficial enough to change?
- Do you have the right resources to change?
He was slightly taken aback where these three questions were concerned because a while he felt it was important to change, and logically thought it was beneficial to change, he was a little disturbed to discover that he still did not take any action.
It’s true that you can find a change beneficial and yet not change because there’s something even more beneficial that keeps you the same!
This is often known as secondary gain in psychotherapeutic circles – having a positive payoff for a negative behavior.
The problem with this is that it continues to go in vicious cycles that control the other parts of your life. For instance, you have an argument with your spouse at home, it translates into performance issues in the workplace, and the feedback will affect you adversely, emotionally. What do you think happens when you go back home?
I’ve seen a number of people who are unaware of these vicious cycles in their life. What they start to do is moan and blame others and this turns into a disempowering cycle of self-pity. They will never be able to get out of this mess because they missed the fundamental thing required for them to turn their life around.
If your life is in a mess, it’s probably likely that you have to begin on a journey of introspection. Yes, it may hurt to realize that what has happened comes as a lack of understanding of who you are and that you may have been contributing to the problems on your own.
