Most of the time, I don’t really bother with the news, except business news. Occasionally, some interesting articles catch my attention and I read in greater detail. The recent earthquake, tsunami and nuclear power plant meltdown in Japan was something that caught many people’s attention, and of course, I believe warrants a reflection.

What do you think people might do in a situation where multiple bad things happen to them? Unfortunately, when you least expect it, you will have to deal with bad things happening all at the same time. This is as true for nations as it is for companies and individuals.

Some people might accuse me of being pessimistic. However, I believe it is merely precautionary. The Japanese have been known to love their country so much that they would rather stay than to leave the affected/afflicted zones. I’m not so sure that people will always stick to their guns and persevere, but this is a great case of perseverance, and I trust can also be deemed inspiring. Are you prepared to do whatever it takes in the worst case scenario?

Two groups of people emerge from such an experience. The first group lives in doom and gloom. They don’t believe that anything they can do will influence anything. The second group is positive and optimistic. They have hope. Which group is right? Some might say that both are equally right, but the second group will enjoy themselves along the way. It is this art of enjoyment that I feel many of us lack in times where it is required. We enjoy ourselves when the environment allows us so. Yet, we fail to recognize on occasion, that it is our internal mental environment that enables us to feel positive or not.

Failing to do this results in us practicing the wrong things and accumulating habits that may not be useful for us. Such is the nature of your neurology: whatever you practice does not become perfect, it becomes permanent.

Nobody really knows when the disasters in Japan will be resolved, or whether they will be resolved at all. We can only look forward to a future that is worth creating, and work toward it, heart, mind and soul. The fruits of labor may not be enjoyed immediately, but at least we might lay the ground foundation for others who are important to us in the future.

Our prayers and positive wishes are with you, the people of Japan.

Perhaps you are one of many millions of people all around the world who want to achieve personal success. Perhaps, you are someone who has set goals and set your mind to achieve these goals. Maybe, you have even been successful. At least for a while. The irony of the pursuit of success is that it begins to feed people in different ways. Some people are fed the success of wealth. Others, the success of love. And still others, the success of wisdom. Whatever the case, the Paradox Principle is what drives ultimate success in the world. Our job is to be able to accept the Paradoxes that occur in our lives, and be able to flexibly maneuver through these apparent obstacles to manage our successes.

Paradox Unleashed

When an individual expresses the desire to achieve something, a chain reaction begins. The intention to reach out causes different kinds of action and reaction. So, you set your target to be wealthy. The moment you do that, the environment begins to feel the pulse of your activity. In some cases, the very act of movement causes the Ripple Effect in consciousness. People who are supportive add to the positive impact of that goal. But others, who may act against it in jealousy and fear, intrude either consciously or unconsciously.

And in addition, our invisible forces within ourselves cause a tremendous flux. You may seek to achieve success but internal beliefs may skew you in a different direction. You know that achieving your goals is a good thing but the reality is very different. It could be an interplay of your emotions, your memories, your beliefs, your values,  your personality and your identity.

The Paradox of Emotion

When moving toward your goals, there might be a tussle. In many cases, the idea is that you need to be highly driven or motivated to achieve your goal. Most people don’t think that there is any other way to achieve. It’s a myth that it’s all hype. Sometimes, it is despair, fear, compassion and love that propel us forward. It requires one to be more focused in seeking out an emotional state that is effective in helping us achieve our desired outcome. The paradox of emotion is simply this: many people think that emotion is ‘natural’, and therefore whatever we ‘fake’ into doing in not real. In reality, you can change your emotional state if you have the appropriate tools. This is not control or faking. It’s simply knowing how emotional states function. In the world of NLP, we talk about solution states and problem states. Problem states lead us to ineffective outcomes. Solution states help us to counteract those problematic states and lead us to more effective outcomes.

The Paradox Of Memory

When was the last time you had an argument? In that argument, did you feel your point of view was correct? Ironically, when I ask that question, there are many people who will vehemently say they were in the right. But you can put the same arguing parties in the same room and they both will raise their hands to say they were correct in their argument. What gives?

Interestingly, it is not the accuracy of their memories that is the problem. The issue is the acceptance of that point of view that is the problem. In many cases, there have been instances where people may actually develop experiences that are not real, but fantasized.

Memories may not serve a person well because of a simple fact – we do not re-investigate our memories. When you were a very young child, you would have remembered a house as much bigger than today. The main problem is not that the house became smaller, but you became bigger physically. I remember clearly, the days I spent at my grandmother’s house in Malacca. As a 7-year old child, I definitely remember the room as really big and spacious. After many years not visiting and I returned as an adult, the room was familiar but felt much smaller and crammed. I was 21 years old, and my mind was reconciling the ‘space’ difference… in my mind.

If the brain has to keep updating this information through time, and we can recognize this for physical changes, will we be able to recognize these changes in our beliefs and values? For instance, why is it that sometimes, you get upset by someone without realizing why it was so important that you got upset? She could have made a passing remark, and you got irritated. Could it be that the memory you used to have has yet to be updated?

I remember I used to get irritated by the phrase “you’re too young to do xyz” because I felt it was not fair to judge my capabilities based on my age alone. I also heard this being used on others sometimes, and the feeling of unfair judgement crept in once again. It was all too familiar, and until I investigated it, I didn’t know where it came from, how it was related to me and why it was taking up a lot of decision-making processing speed psychologically, when working in teams. Perhaps back then, hiring a young team (and not wanting to admit that they were really not mature enough to handle certain things in a business) was my way of making things work for me… until it (paradoxically) didn’t.

The Paradox Of Beliefs And Values

There will be situations where you strive to achieve success. On one hand it gives you great satisfaction to reach out to get your success. You may sense the initial euphoria of achievement. At the same time, that kind of success will bring additional new challenges. Sure, you reach for wealth and attain it, but the challenges come  along with that. The temptation to flaunt it. The haunting thought if the friends you have are genuine. The ability to control and manage it. The ability to use it wisely. When your wealth creates more problems for you, it creates a split in your soul. How can it be that something you have worked so hard to achieve have such disappointing results?

Well, to be frank, it’s not the result that is the problem. The issue stems from the fact that you are blaming the outcome in the first place. Let’s suppose you are walking (action) toward your house (goal). In the process, you fell into a hole and broke your ankle (obstacle). Somehow you overcame that obstacle (change strategy). However, you did not go back to the root cause of the problem (broken ankle). You continued to execute your original plan of working toward your outcome. It now hurts to walk toward your house, when it was so easy before. Now, because of the simplistic “cause and effect” thinking of our chronological mind, we associate the pain with the outcome rather than figuring out how to heal the ankle!

So, you end up with two minds. The outcome is exciting for you, but it hurts to move toward it. The value of achievement conflicts with the value of love. The feeling of intimacy conflicts with the fear of betrayal. All these are commonplace conflicts but many of us don’t understand the psychological impact it can have on goals – you literally freeze and don’t do anything! Unfortunately, then it’s taken as ‘procrastination’ when in reality, you might have a psychological gap that stops you from proceeding.

This is the manifestation of a conflict within you, and will require some form of healing and inner therapy to resolve. Hey, if Windows needs updating due to patch fixes, I don’t see why a human wouldn’t need one of these once in a while too.

The Paradox Of Personality

It is said that personality is fixed at our true core, according to Jung. While this is true, finding this true core personality is very difficult because we change different environments and therefore shift our behavior accordingly. There have been countless situations where I have been deemed an extravert by many people. But I don’t derive energy from interacting with people always. There are good friends whom I would expend my energy with, but extraversion activities mostly drain me (yes, that includes training in a seminar).  It doesn’t mean that Jung wasn’t correct. It merely means we need to learn how to hit a moving target.

Imagine I met someone whom at face value took me to be an extravert and we started to work with each other on projects. In no time, you would find that this creates tension in me because this is not my typical mode of work. Ironically, that which got me this project contact also drains me further!

I like to put this in the context of the dating. We all know that we behave differently in times of stress. Imagine you met your life partner when you were performing at your best, and vice versa. You’d know when there was a ‘dip’ and your partner required support. However, imagine if you met your life partner when both of you were at your worst. You’d still be attracted to each other, it’s just that you’d be attracted to their ‘shadow’ self.

The question is so obvious: do you really know your personality? Do you know when it wavers? Are you even aware that when you interact with people under different situations and levels of stress, that you behave differently and create impressions of yourself differently with the people around you? What kind of impact is that likely to have on your desired goals and direction? What if… the fact that you set the goal affects your personality? The systemic repercussions are going to be important to consider, and a high level of self awareness would be a requirement as you progress toward your outcomes.

The Paradox Of Identity

I mentioned in my last article on Identity that certain conflicts may occur. I didn’t offer solutions related to the consequences arising from those conflicts largely because it would take quite a long time to explain. However, I think it warrants a short answer at least.

When you are stuck between your idea of yourself and others’ expectations of you, you end up being driven toward stagnation. It is happening almost everywhere: when parents drive their children to choose careers they did not want; when employees expect certain things of their employers; when a man expects unrealistic things of his spouse or children.

These expectations themselves are not ‘bad’. But as an analogy, have you ever loaded a PS3 CD into a PC or Mac? I mean, they are all running on completely different platforms and you can hardly expect them to work. Likewise, your expectations are definitely different from your parents’/employers’/spouse… but what is your ‘why’ behind it? It is easier for them to buy into the reason why because if it is meaningful, there will be consensus. If it isn’t meaningful, then there will be dissent.

Coming back to your own idea of identity, imagine that one side of you feels that you should be a winner in life. You’ve experienced that in life. But at the same time, there might be another side that expects you to fail, and that was also a past experience. Rather than resolving this inner conflict, you suppressed it. So, left forgotten, it manifests itself in procrastination and not wanting to take action on things unless some kind of awareness is built around this issue.

So is it really serious? Well, many of the conflicts stem from past interpretations of situations. All it requires is an update to be downloaded. Into your brain. Such a process is known as reimprinting in NLP. I’ve used the process (of course modified to suit each individual’s differences) to help them gain clarify in life purpose and direction, resolve inner conflicts and problems, and come to terms with difficulties in their life.

The Paradoxical Conclusion… It’s Just The Beginning!

Okay, so ironically, such difficulties don’t just stop there. They are simply the beginning of the future. Who knows what other issues we might face, real or imagined. The most important thing is to realize that just as we need to brush and floss our teeth on a regular basis to prevent cavities, we need to grow to achieve success. That growing never ends.

I was a little taken aback when I went on Facebook and found myself with over 450 birthday greetings. I didn’t expect it, and I suppose it is due to the people whom I have known over this time.

I think it is an interesting reflection about the way we lead our lives. What we chase after with the wrong foundations, we often don’t get. What we don’t chase after we often get, but fail for be grateful for. So, for those of you who remembered me on my birthday, thank you and I am grateful for your presence in my life.

I thought I’d just share this with you guys. It’s from the Princeton site, and I guess part of this resonates with me. What is our manner in life – to be wealthy and nasty… or wealthy and kind? It really does make a difference, and simple advice comes at a good time for those of us in the cut-throat world of business.

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As a kid, I spent my summers with my grandparents on their ranch in Texas. I helped fix windmills, vaccinate cattle, and do other chores. We also watched soap operas every afternoon, especially “Days of our Lives.” My grandparents belonged to a Caravan Club, a group of Airstream trailer owners who travel together around the U.S. and Canada. And every few summers, we’d join the caravan. We’d hitch up the Airstream trailer to my grandfather’s car, and off we’d go, in a line with 300 other Airstream adventurers. I loved and worshipped my grandparents and I really looked forward to these trips. On one particular trip, I was about 10 years old. I was rolling around in the big bench seat in the back of the car. My grandfather was driving. And my grandmother had the passenger seat. She smoked throughout these trips, and I hated the smell.

At that age, I’d take any excuse to make estimates and do minor arithmetic. I’d calculate our gas mileage — figure out useless statistics on things like grocery spending. I’d been hearing an ad campaign about smoking. I can’t remember the details, but basically the ad said, every puff of a cigarette takes some number of minutes off of your life: I think it might have been two minutes per puff. At any rate, I decided to do the math for my grandmother. I estimated the number of cigarettes per days, estimated the number of puffs per cigarette and so on. When I was satisfied that I’d come up with a reasonable number, I poked my head into the front of the car, tapped my grandmother on the shoulder, and proudly proclaimed, “At two minutes per puff, you’ve taken nine years off your life!”

I have a vivid memory of what happened, and it was not what I expected. I expected to be applauded for my cleverness and arithmetic skills. “Jeff, you’re so smart. You had to have made some tricky estimates, figure out the number of minutes in a year and do some division.” That’s not what happened. Instead, my grandmother burst into tears. I sat in the backseat and did not know what to do. While my grandmother sat crying, my grandfather, who had been driving in silence, pulled over onto the shoulder of the highway. He got out of the car and came around and opened my door and waited for me to follow. Was I in trouble? My grandfather was a highly intelligent, quiet man. He had never said a harsh word to me, and maybe this was to be the first time? Or maybe he would ask that I get back in the car and apologize to my grandmother. I had no experience in this realm with my grandparents and no way to gauge what the consequences might be. We stopped beside the trailer. My grandfather looked at me, and after a bit of silence, he gently and calmly said, “Jeff, one day you’ll understand that it’s harder to be kind than clever.”

What I want to talk to you about today is the difference between gifts and choices. Cleverness is a gift, kindness is a choice. Gifts are easy — they’re given after all. Choices can be hard. You can seduce yourself with your gifts if you’re not careful, and if you do, it’ll probably be to the detriment of your choices.

This is a group with many gifts. I’m sure one of your gifts is the gift of a smart and capable brain. I’m confident that’s the case because admission is competitive and if there weren’t some signs that you’re clever, the dean of admission wouldn’t have let you in.

Your smarts will come in handy because you will travel in a land of marvels. We humans — plodding as we are — will astonish ourselves. We’ll invent ways to generate clean energy and a lot of it. Atom by atom, we’ll assemble tiny machines that will enter cell walls and make repairs. This month comes the extraordinary but also inevitable news that we’ve synthesized life. In the coming years, we’ll not only synthesize it, but we’ll engineer it to specifications. I believe you’ll even see us understand the human brain. Jules Verne, Mark Twain, Galileo, Newton — all the curious from the ages would have wanted to be alive most of all right now. As a civilization, we will have so many gifts, just as you as individuals have so many individual gifts as you sit before me.

How will you use these gifts? And will you take pride in your gifts or pride in your choices?

I got the idea to start Amazon 16 years ago. I came across the fact that Web usage was growing at 2,300 percent per year. I’d never seen or heard of anything that grew that fast, and the idea of building an online bookstore with millions of titles — something that simply couldn’t exist in the physical world — was very exciting to me. I had just turned 30 years old, and I’d been married for a year. I told my wife MacKenzie that I wanted to quit my job and go do this crazy thing that probably wouldn’t work since most startups don’t, and I wasn’t sure what would happen after that. MacKenzie (also a Princeton grad and sitting here in the second row) told me I should go for it. As a young boy, I’d been a garage inventor. I’d invented an automatic gate closer out of cement-filled tires, a solar cooker that didn’t work very well out of an umbrella and tinfoil, baking-pan alarms to entrap my siblings. I’d always wanted to be an inventor, and she wanted me to follow my passion.

I was working at a financial firm in New York City with a bunch of very smart people, and I had a brilliant boss that I much admired. I went to my boss and told him I wanted to start a company selling books on the Internet. He took me on a long walk in Central Park, listened carefully to me, and finally said, “That sounds like a really good idea, but it would be an even better idea for someone who didn’t already have a good job.” That logic made some sense to me, and he convinced me to think about it for 48 hours before making a final decision. Seen in that light, it really was a difficult choice, but ultimately, I decided I had to give it a shot. I didn’t think I’d regret trying and failing. And I suspected I would always be haunted by a decision to not try at all. After much consideration, I took the less safe path to follow my passion, and I’m proud of that choice.

Tomorrow, in a very real sense, your life — the life you author from scratch on your own — begins.

How will you use your gifts? What choices will you make?

Will inertia be your guide, or will you follow your passions?

Will you follow dogma, or will you be original?

Will you choose a life of ease, or a life of service and adventure?

Will you wilt under criticism, or will you follow your convictions?

Will you bluff it out when you’re wrong, or will you apologize?

Will you guard your heart against rejection, or will you act when you fall in love?

Will you play it safe, or will you be a little bit swashbuckling?

When it’s tough, will you give up, or will you be relentless?

Will you be a cynic, or will you be a builder?

Will you be clever at the expense of others, or will you be kind?

I will hazard a prediction. When you are 80 years old, and in a quiet moment of reflection narrating for only yourself the most personal version of your life story, the telling that will be most compact and meaningful will be the series of choices you have made. In the end, we are our choices. Build yourself a great story. Thank you and good luck!

I’m certain you’ve heard of the concept of a ‘generation gap’. In fact, this gap happens in many other places too. Racial gap, religious gap, cultural gap… the list can go on.

What exactly is this “gap”?

I was listening to the radio today and they were discussing the case of the 14 year old teenager in school who had beaten up her teacher. The main topic was, whose responsibility it was. It was quite funny because the first caller dialed in to blame the Minister for Education. The most of the rest contributed points that were borderline illogical (“I blame the teachers because they have no dress code themselves”).

photo credit: davitydave

This is an instance of a gap. One generation tells the other generation what to do without considering the other’s perspective. But this is due to General Apathy. Basically, these are people who have no idea what the other side is experiencing, nor will they until they stop putting their own mental models aside in order to understand someone else. This fixation, however, is also an opportunity to recognize that while it can be problematic, it is also an opportunity to learn from others’ glaring mistakes.

Joint responsibility (between teachers and parents in this case) of raising children is difficult, yes. And that is because firstly, as a human being, you’re not allowed to give up on another human being. I think that’s the first measure of respect. Sometimes, you just have to believe in them more than they believe in themselves to be able to get them to step up.

In other words, you’ll need a lot of involvement. It’s simple to say “spare the rod and spoil the child”. Then look at all the spoiled parents (some dysfunctional, yes) out there who were given the rod in the past. It’s the same mentality that “since it’s been done that way, it should always be done that way”. That’s not even logical. You can discipline a child, but the ability to do it because you love a child is poles apart from disciplining a child for the sake of following some time-tested process!

So suffice to say, I think it works out for almost any kind of human relationship. An investment in a relationship takes time. It’s not easy. Especially since it means that you have to do away with your own ways of thinking and maintain some form of neutrality first. By doing so, you get the opportunity to experience the person, his circumstance and thinking processes.

You can’t close a gap by a physical change. A behavior can be changed, but it won’t necessarily last if it’s a change from the outside. If it’s a rationalized change, the person will be able to forge a better change from the inside, especially a teenager. During this time, you get a chance to model the qualities of patience, being firm (you don’t just want to be ‘nice’ all the time) and respectful.

And who says only children and teenagers model? Adults do to. And if you have a young adult subordinate, you may need to do the same as well in order to close the experience gap we all face in our world today.

It never fails to strike me as how one-sided many people are in relating to one another.

photo credit: xflickrx

I often like to tell the story of how one day I was in a cab driving down the Central Expressway (CTE). The driver was so engrossed in talking to me about the bad traffic situation in Singapore that he made this claim: “All women are bad drivers. They cause all accidents.” No sooner had he mentioned this, there was an accident up ahead that involved a woman.

Conversely, there was a situation where a friend of mine (female) drove to my place to pick me up and I was pleasantly surprised to note that she was really good at handling the car. As we drove down the same expressway, it turned out that there was a big jam due to an accident. She made this claim: “Taxi drivers in Singapore are the biggest cause of traffic accidents, and they are getting worse.”

Hmm.

Difference of opinion, or the failure to look at the other person’s perspective?

Very simply put, there are many sides to an opinion. If you think you are always right, think again. I strongly believe that a lot of the arguments we have are unnecessary simply because we fail to understand the other person’s point of view.

A senior manager came up to me once and told me that the “youngsters nowadays” are difficult to train and not willing to take on hardships.

A young engineer recently came up to me and told me that “the more elderly they are the less cooperative they are”.

Hmm… so much for standing in each other’s shoes and getting an understanding for each other. I believe that we fail to recognize the merits of each individual we meet with to the point where it is easy to make assumptions about the other person. I was once taught by Dr. Richard Bandler, the founder of NLP, to consider if I ever thought I was wrong about something. It dawned on me that this teaches me to look at a different perspective. Often, not always, I have a judgement and opinion, and do my best to look at the question and its conventional answer from a different angle, so that I can generate something even more useful. But I always do my best to acknowledge that the perfect answer may not exist, and I have of course, had some of my ideas proven wrong many times. This is why I prefer not to take sides in an argument because both sides often are valid. But as human beings we frequently do not know how to hold more than one possible answer in our heads. It’s as though life were like math, that 1 + 1 must always equal to 2.

But we know life is far more complex than that, and requires a bit more patience and attention. After all, we seldom spend enough time learning about our life, when there are many interesting and beautiful wisdoms to consider. Perhaps it’s time for use to acknowledge that the generation gap is more than just a age difference, but is universal: it is the gap we generated due to our own experiences and memories and biases. Let’s learn how to bridge them by being curious about another person’s perspective, and discover something interesting that we may never have thought of.

It’s quite intriguing to pick up on this topic after an absence of a couple of weeks.  Someone dropped me a message and said that the content that I had mentioned in a previous  procrastination post had too much common sense and the reader demanded that I put up information that doesn’t contain such motherhood statements.

photo credit: Firesam!

I thought about it for some time, and I began to reflect on certain situations that people tend to leave themselves in.  For example, it was fascinating to see how someone would be interested in an article on stomping procrastination and found that might advice was common sense.  It just didn’t compute.  If it was common sense, you wouldn’t have to read it.  If one did need to read it, then most obviously one would continue to be procrastinating up to a point where you accept and utilized the advice.

So I had an internal arguments with myself to figure out what was going on.  Upon reviewing “How To Stop Procrastinating #1″, I discovered that it was true that most of the information there appears to be quite straightforward and a whole bunch of common sense.  It therefore dawned on me that there are individuals who will read it, but can’t use it.

The concept of vicious cycles tells us that there is far more than meets the eye from the behavior standpoint.  You want something, but the more you want it, the further away from it you get. For example, it is highly likely that someone who needs a set of behavioral interventions will read the first article and find it useful.  they will go out and execute the behaviors.  However, several people who have a deeper rooted issues beyond the ‘behavior’ level may find that a behavioral intervention will be insufficient, hence, “common sense “.

As much as I’d like to avoid diving into two large detail, which Watzlawick mentioned in his book “The Language of Change”, and is the cause of many interventions going wild, and being seemingly without end, I believe that for the raw knowledge of people reading this could be beneficial.

Suppose someone is procrastinating.  It could be that he wants to invite a girl  out on a date, and he stops short. There are a number of things that we logically knows he should do.  For example, he’s got to simply ask.  And if he gets rejected, he should ask again, preferably in a different way.  However, we know that there must be something else that’s preventing him from accomplishing his goal.  One such invisible force could be his hidden understanding of rejection.  For example, he might believe that rejection is the end of the world.  This, indicates the need for a deeper rooted intervention dealing with the reframing of his belief patterns.  Alternatively, it might have to do with his inability to come to terms with his parents’ divorce when he was five years old.  This might indicate an issue with his self concept, or identity.  In this instance, it would be possible to institute a Change Personal History session to help him reconfigure his identity.

However, before we get ahead of ourselves, it is essential that such strategies are implemented by someone who is well versed in interventions.  A lot of the time deeper rooted issues may have a backlash – if we attempt to push against it in usually pushes back , causing even more procrastination.

most of the time therefore, we need to find the right kinds of emotional triggers.  For example, the reader who sent me this irate message probably did not realize that he was able to procrastinate getting certain things done, but didn’t hesitate sending me and irate message.  It is the ability to control and manage our emotional states that enables us to shift from state to state.

One of the ways to do this is by understanding anchoring.  Anchoring, which is a behavioral process of association, and literally eliminate your feelings of procrastination.  In the context where you are procrastinating, you can use that environmental stimulus to trigger off facilitative negative emotions such as frustration, anxiety, and fear. Or these could be facilitative positive emotions like enthusiasm, motivation and drive.

It takes a little bit of practice to know where these emotions reside. Reliving these emotions can set one on the pathway to realizing that emotions are our achievement joystick. Test it – whenever you don’t get something done, use an appropriate emotional state and link with it by intensifying the image, sounds and feelings of negative faciliation. You might see yourself failing or hear people mocking you. When you get closer toward your goal, associate it with positive emotions by viewing the images and intensifying those. You could possibly  view yourself as happier, and hear sounds of cheering or acknolwedgement.

Do note that these are only possibilities, and the best way for you to really take charge of these emotional states is to learn the skills that are taught in NLP. Some readings to learn NLP are here. My detailed Practitioner training program can also be taken up online by staying tune to that website.

This year I’ve been on a number of different trips out of the country, most of them for work purposes. While I seldom go to different places for the purpose of looking at things or ‘vacationing’, I do enjoy the getaway in a foreign place once in a while just to chill.

For some people, though, this vacationing is like an obsession. It’s planned several times a year and given deadlines as though there were a profit margin to be earned from it. It must mean that they will end up “musting” their desires into reality.

I thought about it a while and wondered at the concept of obsession. Yes, it’s an emotional state, but how often can we control it and get into this obsessive state so that no matter what happens, we will turn up at our destination?

I remember times when I was literally obsessed with things, getting things done. It was because of a greater purpose. For example, there was a time when I had difficulty understanding the new area of study that I was involved with in the past – internet marketing – and I literally grew to be so obsessed with it, I could clock 14 hour days just watching the screen, testing things out and making things happen.

For some others, this obsession comes from the absolute need to stay trim and fit. I have a friend who spends 6 hours a day in the gym, and you can tell that this kind of effort really can sculpt a body.

The secret ingredient for this is a catalyst. You need a big push forward, which is like a propulsion mechanism. It’s placing all your forward thrusters and boosters toward the direction you want, and often requiring you to just stop thinking so much.

A lot of time, we are obsessed with inner thoughts – what if this… what if that… and by the time we are done with these inner thoughts, the desire is ‘talked away’. You end up not doing anything. Reverse that sequence. Talk yourself ‘up’. Get yourself excited and intensify the reality of the goal and outcome that you are striving toward.

By seeing it everyday, you get a chance to live in the moment of your emotions, which then drive the specific behaviors required to reach your goal, and turn that goal into your only solution with no other way out. Sometimes, choices do spoil the ability for someone to take action!

Here’s an example. You’ve been telling yourself you need a vacation, but in your head, that goal is blurred by you saying that you don’t have time, you’re too tired and so on. Now instead of doing that, take the goal, and give yourself all the reasons why you need to reach that goal, and the consequences of not going there. Everything that detracts from that direction is now considered a distraction – use the excuses you are good at giving and put off those distractions! You don’t have time to rest. You can’t afford to waste time.

As you build up the intensity of this, dive in and get your things done, because the emotional state has been geared up to get you going, so, use that to move along with the flow of energy you’ve built up.

Oh, and once you achieve your goal, list it. It’s always good to give yourself a pat on the back for having achieved the things you’ve accomplished… then use this as your springboard to even more goals you wish to accomplish.

I just read this while waiting at the airport for my flight to Jakarta:

“Participants are 52 per cent more likely to be lonely if a person to whom they are directly connected (at one degree of separation) is lonely,” the authors write.

At two degrees of separation, they were 25 per cent more likely to feel lonely. At three degrees it was 15 per cent and at four degrees the effect disappeared. This pattern – what the authors term the “three degrees of influence rule of social contagion” – also appeared in the obesity, smoking and happiness studies.

I think I’ve always known this to be true of many things other than just obesity, smoking and happiness. I believe that the social modeling instinct we are born with causes us to model the people and environment around us. Would you be surprised that millionaires hang around millionaires? Or that promiscuous people hang around other promiscuous people? Or depressed people mix more with depressed people than others?

After all, once you ‘learn’ this skill, you tend to have the capability to pass it on in your behavior and attitude, isn’t it?

We all have thought viruses. This points to one final conclusion – what are you interested in ‘catching’? Watch out for the people whom you hang around with!