It’s amazing how much I can learn from my clients and people I meet with. The strangely familiar struggle with work is an ongoing theme in many of their lives, and the whole idea of ‘work-life balance’ is nothing but a myth. I think I know the reason why. Work-life balance is about our ability to switch from one mode to another. It’s about balancing almost anything. For instance, when I run personality profiles for people, they realize that they really need personal development because their profile report reveals more about where their blind spots are.

I remember looking through the MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator) in preparation for my executive coaching client, as well as a life coaching client. On one hand, one profile indicated a preference for meeting people. The other profile indicated a stark preference for privacy. When I met them and asked why, it never dawned upon them that this was a limited view of the world. I have met clients who are very well adapted to flexiblty change from behaving in an extraverted fashion to being a good introverted listener. Both sides have their merits and it is really about developing the appropriate style. In both cases, they never thought of the merits of the opposite type; these turned out to be major blind spots in their lives.

Sure, people may be happy sticking to what they are comfortable with. I think we tend to be happier and more satisfied pursuing and meeting challenges. By doing so, I have a suspicion that we expand our capacity to live.

In this case, the most important thing to do is gain perspective and expand our view of our own world, something that I am challenged to do with my coaching clients as they continue on their journey of personal development, honing leadership and learning from that elusive journey into oneself.

You probably know a fair bit of my background by now, especially my successes. What you might not really know about me is the stuff I’ve failed in… and what I had to do to get out of my failures.

As a child, I was never really any good in school. I remember getting good grades for most part of my primary school life then it nosedived after they made the tests more difficult I got to primary five (I was 11 at the time). I think at the back of my parents’ heads were something horrifying like “what’s happening to my son?!” All I know is that I wasn’t engaged in school, teachers were pretty much scary, and I preferred to remain quiet all the time as a result. By the time I was 14, my dad — who was worried about by grades (I was hitting like 55% average) — offered me to send me to a holiday camp to improve my study skills. He gently reminded me that it’s not about knowing what to study, but how to study that mattered. I went for the program preview, found it interesting, and got myself signed up. No longer than a month after, I shot up in grades to first position in class (with a 72.6% average). I was pleasantly surprised, of course, that the techniques I had learnt worked for me. This spurred me on to climb to the next level – to score straight As for the subject I had to take for the finals during my ‘O’ levels, at age 16. I came out top 4 students in my class for that major exam and made my way to junior college, later topped my college and went on to finish my degree in English Language with a major in Psychology, at age 25. I used the same skills to pursue my MBA (which I completed in 18 months), scoring an average 3.53 GPA (I was told that wasn’t too bad for someone working full time to boot) by age 27. Fast forward, I’m 36 years old now, happily married with a very successful company and travelling the world. What more could a guy ask for, right?

But in between, something caught me and riled me. It was that all-too-familiar monster that bothers us a lot of the time on our journey to success. It’s the same thing that made me fail 5 subjects out of 8 when I was 15. It was the same thing that made me succumb to depression at age 17. It was the same thing that caused me a lot of anguish at age 28 when I first started working.

Procrastination.

You see it lingering in your everyday life. The alarm clock rings for you to wake up, instead it puts you back in snooze mode. The workout outfit you just bought was meant to remind you to exercise, instead it triggered you to give more creative excuses to not exercise. The new commitment you just made to your spouse was meant to revitalize your marriage, instead it triggered experiences of resentment and you simply just backed away from fulfilling your new commitment to the family.

All these are variations of procrastination. They give you the ability to make excuses without needing to give very good reasons not to do something. And they can be painful.

I remember a time in my life when I was working for people where I was in debt way above my head. I would have needed two years of my salary to pay it off, simply because I procrastinated savings. I remember a time in my life when I was constantly angry with others for the problems I created for myself, simply because I procrastinated taking an honest audit of myself and really giving myself a boot in the butt for progress.

Honest and responsible acceptance. This is the main thing I want to talk about. The main reason is simply that this stuff is really painful to talk about. I mean, who wants to talk about their debt and what they should do about it? Who wants to talk about their fat and what they should do about it? Who wants to talk about their failures and what they should do about it? I mean, we all know what to do with it, we just don’t do it.

It’s the same frustration that people keep encountering over and over again. History repeats itself but the solution gets farther and farther away. The issue is simple – we are in a world where putting off pain today is easier than experiencing all the pain tomorrow. The example of credit card debt amongst those within the age range of 22 to 28 is astounding. These are people fresh into the workforce but have no clue how to handle the power with responsibility. I have to be the first to admit though, I used to be one of these people, and have no intention of being the pot calling the kettle black. What I want to do is to make you realize that somewhere along the line, the buck has to stop being passed.

At you.

Was there ever been a time in your life where you experienced a pain so deep, that all you could feel was a wrenching sensation in your chest, like a twisting that just wouldn’t go away?

I experienced many interpersonal failures in my life which I’m not proud of admitting, but I feel will act as catalysts for you to learn from. There were moments in my life where I found that being a speaker was more important than speaking from the heart, where being an entrepreneur was more important than making a difference in the lives of others. It definitely got out of hand. The relationships I was building were not growing the way I wanted. In fact, they were getting toxic, simply because of the problem of intention. My intention wasn’t in the right place, and I definitely did not realize this because I was not guided from wisdom, but rather, from desire.

It was only at the point of time where I felt that sensation where everything had been taken from me – my pride, my wealth, my trust, my love – that I had to change. This took me a self-healing process of 2 years, after a betrayal that was so heinous, it shook me to my core. And of course, a bad cut can only become worse if the healing does not take place. It was a bad wound, and turned me away from my core focus. This is what emotional wounds do: they turn your pain into a distraction so that you can temporarily remove your focus on the wound. But know this – if you are not healed, any step – even in the right direction – will be painful. You’re still bleeding!

Ultimately, I had to be honest with myself. Many of the misgivings, fears and pride all brought me back to times in my life where I could recognize that the aggravating situations were not the cause. The real cause was my past inner experience. I had to let that sink in, and allow my conscious mind to stop the denial. Then, and only then, could I begin to take the right course of action and move in the direction I needed. Change requires the recognition of pain. I mean, if the doctor is to heal you, you need to tell him your pain is in your arm if it is in your arm, not your foot! Healing your foot won’t change anything!

After going through a specific series of healing processes, and some help from external parties (family support is extremely important here),  I came to realize how easy it was for me to get out of it. The rest was simple. Follow your True North, and begin the journey again. Oddly enough, it became easier and easier to achieve financial targets by not focusing on the financial targets but rather the reason why I was doing all this.

Of course, you have to carry out your own journey toward success by first starting from the inner self. Sometimes,  healing needs to take place. Sometimes, upgrading needs to take place. In many cases, when I conduct my therapy sessions, the analogy I provide is this: we keep growing and this is represented by the CPU capacity as we grow older. But, we keep running old, out-of-date software on this. Not only does our hard drive get clogged by un-useful data, it may end up being difficult to run or support, creating even more problems for the computer. Your brain is that computer, and your beliefs are that software — it definitely needs upgrading!

To engage yourself in some introspection and changing of your inner experience, you have to adopt this principle. If you have queries regarding your own demons that you are fighting, feel free to let me know so that I might craft a direction for your own inner healing – drop me a note under my ‘Ask Stuart’ page, and I will look into helping you create a profound shift in your being through proper updating and alignment.

For a long time, I’ve been teaching stuff to people regarding NLP. So, I might be teaching an application or the core modeling subjects of NLP, but one thing seems elusive to many people, which is related to their identity. We strive to achieve success which is defined by the world. However, success is elusive to those who do not know the reason why they are doing what they are doing. So, it appears that to succeed, you need to know who you are and recognize that what you do must align with who you are.

Who Am I

The basic question “Who Am I” has been a constant and never-ending quest for almost all human beings who want to know where their place is in the world. Almost all major philosophers and theologians have asked questions to the meaning of life in very expansive ways, and still, this answer remains inaccessible to the average human being.

Identity As Where You Are

I’ve heard people talking about identity as the location they are in. For instance, “I’m a outdoors person” or “I’m a Singaporean”. Although the second one may evoke a lot more meaning than the first, I’ve found that, of course, different people will accord a different depth of the meaning of being “outdoors person” and “Singaporean”.

Identity As “Role Identity”

Its common to tell people ‘what’ you ‘do’. You take on the role as a ‘trainer’ or a ‘marketing evangelist’ or ‘technology reviewer’ based on your job requirements. This doesn’t help us to understand who we are, because it begs the question of the foundation behind why you do what you do. So you might be a trainer. But what drives you to do the things you do may cause different results. I’ve had the privilege to work with many people. For instance I know engineers, managers and trainers who are very deeply connected to their work. Comparatively, I also know those who are not connected to their life purpose but who do really good work. There are also those who aren’t engaged and don’t do good work at all. Is there a reason behind all this?

Identity As Personal Values

If you investigate your own personal values, you might actually discover how much of it actually drives your behavior. For instance, when someone makes you angry, you might realize that it was due to a violation of a value that you deem to be important to you. You may also find that you continuously move toward a certain direction because it defines you. These may be considered toward values. However, you might move away from certain places which may then be defined as away from values. For example, while you might be motivated to achieve wealth (a goal) for the purpose of freedom (a value), you might then realize that you are driven also by poverty (away from goal) for the purpose of freedom (an ends value) due to feelings of helplessness (emotional state) as well as a lack of security (an away-from value).

Identity As Value You Create

Sometimes, you may not realize that you are already creating value in the external world. In this case, it is no longer about the personal values but rather what others perceive you as having created value. This is different in the sense that your identity is created by people who are affected by you.

If people come up to you and tell you that you are a “kind and patient” person, you may not have realized this fact. This feedback may further drive you to reinvestigate your own personal identity. Likewise, in the midst of all your behaviors, others perceive you in a particular manner. It is essential for you to learn to de-conflict this in a bid to understand yourself better. A business owner may on one hand be perceived as an opportunist, whereas on the other hand be perceived as a driven and self-motivated individual.

This could give you greater clarity about what you need. It therefore follows that you need to be able to interact with others who know you well.

Identity Conflicts

In many cases, Identity is always in conflict with incompatible environments, inner value conflicts, and, external and internal expectations in the value you create and what you are supposed to create. Such identity conflicts require a lot of inner personal assessment to unravel. Often, it means that personal reflection, coaching and learning are going to be required as a three-pronged approach for personal growth and advancement.

Consequences of Identity Conflicts

There are specific consequences for identity conflicts.

1. Lack of personal productivity, resulting on energy spent on internal tussles and conflicts instead of producing work. A lot of confusion results from this, and often leads to the need to distract oneself from solving the issue by engaging in activities that take one’s mind off such things.
2. Being lost, uncertain and not knowing where to go, what to do, causing indecisiveness, negative feelings of doubt and fear, possibly apathy. This may result in depression, withdrawal or denial of self and dissociation.
3. Interpersonal conflict as a result of one holding on to present identity but the environment you are in does not accept it, acknowledge it or reward it.
4. Striving toward goals that are incompatible with actual inner identity, resulting in counterproductive activity. The more one strives towards those goals, the less likely they are able to succeed in those areas.

Everyone is raving about the power of visualization, but perhaps have not really studied how visualization works. There are three main types of visualization, namely, free association, virtual reality and reconstructed reality. Visualization itself does not work miracles. In reality, visualization creates an impact on the body. Just as you imagine yourself feeling like you are going to eat your favorite food, visualization kicks in to create the sensation of hunger or craving for that food by modifying your physiological state.

In order for visualization to have a sustained impact on you, you should know what you are visualizing for, and what type of visualization suits you best for that outcome.

I was recently texting a friend and she told me that she wanted lots of things, and wanted them all to be perfect. I guess that’s the first thing I want to talk about today, followed by the idea regarding our expectations.

In many instances, it is a little difficult to put a finger on perfectionism. Not everyone can say it’s a good thing, but we all know for sure that it can’t be a bad thing in most cases. When it comes to making things happen, though perfectionism has a few drawbacks.

First, it prevents you from actually taking action. A perfect plan? Gee… We all know that’s just something for a fairy tale. There was a time where I had that idea too, making plans for things that I couldn’t really predict or control. In most of those cases, I found myself basically getting into trouble because I just ended up with a lot of stress when things don’t go my way.

Second, perfectionism tends to suck dry the resources where attention is concerned. Consider this possibility: you’re so focused on the plan or the way you are doing something that you forget to pay attention to other things that might be vital in the moment.

Where Perfectionism Could Be Useful

I love it when there is a vision for a perfect world. I really do. It’s idealistic and paves the way for idealists like me to gain lots of motivation. I guess there are at least a handful of people who are like that. We’re the kind of people who get turned on by world peace (heh).

I also believe that by visualizing the future in its most ideal form, you get a chance to at least see what is possible. If you’re a skeptic, then you might cringe at doing something like this. But it does require a person with far-sighted vision to offer something groundbreaking to the world. Leaders don’t aspire to “make sure we’re all normal people” – they are motivated by achieving the unachievable and really believe it.

Solution for perfectionism?

So, is there a problem for those of us who have our perfectionistic moments? Is perfectionism a problem in the first place? I think we all need to be well balanced in order to ensure that the vision of the future corresponds with our ability to take action.

• Perfect process, imperfect result. You can go ahead to ensure you have a perfect process. In other words, execute stuff well instead of dreaming of the best results only. By being focused on honing the process, you get a chance to work toward perfection. I’d like to say that being perfect is not as good as having the perfect time working toward that end outcome.
• Perfect flexibility. We all know that one of the most important qualities of any leader would be to have behavioral flexibility. The last thing you want to hear an army commander say is “dang it, they must be around here somewhere” instead of executing a contingency plan when the enemy isn’t where he thought. Behavioral flexibility is a neat skill that is often overlooked in the world of leadership development because we’re so used to ‘standard operating procedures‘ and stuff like that. I’m not saying axe the SOPs, I’m saying develop greater flexibility so that your SOPs act as guidelines for the baseline of results you should work toward.
• Failure is not the same as shame. I find some people have an uncanny ability to feel guilty and ashamed for not getting things done they way they expect. I’ve had participants in my training programs come back after a long while and tell me the training doesn’t work. So I ask what they mean, and they reveal to me that they couldn’t get to their goals. But after inquiry, I realize that they went about executing this the wrong way, with insufficient information and a lack of clarity on their goals. No wonder they don’t get to their goals. Failure is fine (repeat that in your head) if you learn from it. Instead of denying it, or blaming yourself, accept responsibility for it so that you can move on.

So it seems that there is a lot to do. The best metaphor I can have is that of the sword smith forging a new blade. The master craftsman is able to hammer the impurities out in order to craft a strong blade. Through the perfect process, the blade is constructed. If the blade is maintained by the owner daily, it remains in its pristine condition or rust and mold set in. You are the  sword smith. The metal is your very being. Unlike a slab of steel, you will take years to hone and weed out impurities, but make it an endeavor beyond just a training program or two.

I had a conversation with my sister-in-law about the question of ‘overachievement’. To a great extent, there are people who view the successes we have at AKLTG as a major success. For the owners, we see it as work in progress.

So, I was posed the question: are over achievers dissatisfied with life, put themselves through misery and “trying” to prove themselves even more? My answer was pretty straightforward.

Some people are born into the world like bicycles. They believe they are bicycles and can go up to a maximum of, say 50 km/h. Along comes someone who is born into the world like a Ferrari. But this Ferrari is traveling at 100km /h. All the bicycles are astounded by the speed and ask the Ferrari to slow down. However, deep down inside, the Ferrari knows it can go much faster.

Some of you were born Ferraris. Unfortunately, because of the world of self-help and how people have been victimized by scams along the way, or any other unfortunate circumstance, people have lost the belief in their own birthright.

For example, I believe that everyone can be a great leader. I believe everyone can be a great public speaker. Or a great business owner. Somehow, they stopped believing in themselves and have not yet been awakened. It is this that drives me to keep on getting people involved in their own personal development so that they can become achievers and get past their own mental blocks in life.

I do meet people who idolize such great people. But having an idol and having a role model are two very different things. Having a role model means you’re going to do something about learning from your model. Conversely idolizing means you simply just sit there.

In achieving success, I strongly believe that individuals who have the potential to succeed should push themselves through the fire. Doubt, uncertainty, being victimized by others… all these need to be pushed aside without much care. You, the incoming achiever, needs to know that every step of the way is a step of faith that you can be better. Without this, people would not have broken records, swung the odds in their favor, or made a complete turnaround of a disastrous result. Time and time again, history has proven this to be true: a person who desires to achieve will achieve, and a person who creates resources enables that achievement. Conversely, human beings make rules that prevent them from being far more successful than they should be.

“I’m not good enough” or “I hate myself” or “I’m not worth anything” are common beliefs that cap the potential beyond anything else – self-sabotage. These unconscious beliefs hover like a veil of foul air. Sure, this is my belief. But without going beyond and holding this belief to be absolutely true, I would not have achieved what I have achieved today. And personally, I believe that many of these achievements are simple to do once you know how to do it.

So, are some people really just born as bicycles or as backburner Ferraris? I strongly believe in the latter rather than the former. Sure, a small handful are not endowed with what we might call “normal” skills. Yet, in spite of these appearances, they too go out and achieve the seemingly impossible. Haven’t you seen people born without arms and legs go out and achieve amazing results? Haven’t you seen sprinters with prosthetic legs participate in the Olympics? These stories have been shared to death in the social media online. But we still look at them as “the impossible dream”.

Well, maybe you just have to dream bigger. There’s more out there to live, love and learn. To me, I can’t simply see a great car go to waste. Neither can I see a great person go to waste.

Unleash your potential.

Find a coach. Attend a training. Read a book. Whatever it takes to awaken that sleeping giant, and stir that hurricane-force motivation which is in you to get what you were born to get.

Personality is one of the invisible factors in human relationships I always talk about. In most cases, we’re not aware of this and understand personality merely as traits.

photo credit: Malin Helene

However, traits can always be present when the need calls for it. For instance, you might be at the workplace that needs you to be serious and logical even though by nature you are a fun loving person. Traits are often stronger and more dominant as a result of habituation and skill training.

Type, on the other hand will be different. According to many different sources, our personality development begins in the womb and stabilizes at the age of around 14 years. Personality Type, therefore, refers to the personality component of you that is unchanging.

The only way to access this is to take an MBTI personality test and ensure that you are in a relaxed mental environment. This is important because if you are under pressure (in legal terms, ‘duress’), it can significantly change your behavior. That doesn’t measure your core personality – it merely measures the effect of the environmental pressure.

By taking the test, you get a chance to know yourself from a psychological point of view and the facets of accommodation you need to make in order to adapt better in the workplace and live a more energized and fulfilling life.

“The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help them or concluded that you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership.”

~Colin Powell

Problems, problems, problems. It seems that people are obsessed with problems and don’t know how to solve them. They complain about the problem. In reality, as Colin Powell says, it is a way to build a positive relationship with those around you, in spite of the problems.

Surely problems can also be used in order to create bonding between people. Very often, the problems might also be you. If someone trusts you enough to tell you that you are causing the problem, stop looking so vainly at yourself. Sometimes, one has to look beyond the obvious and consider the intention behind what has been said. If you learn to hold the belief that every behavior has a positive intent, then it’s going to be easier for you to listen not just from the head, but also from the heart.
photo credit: US Army Africa

“Difficulties increase the nearer we approach the goal.”

~Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

photo credit: ieshraq

Has it ever occurred to you that people seldom tell you how good their life is? the only people I know who are truly satisfied with their life are those who have gone through lots of personal trials that have affected them, and they learn to be grateful for what they have.

I recently heard of a young lady who was having some trouble with dealing with her emotions. She had a quick temper and this caused her boyfriend to decide to leave her. At this point, she felt upset and emotionally betrayed and of course, there were a few men who came into her life but she never accepted them because she was still nursing this pain.

For most people, the fastest way to self-help would be to take the difficult moment as a way to sharpen ourselves and strengthen us. She didn’t learn how to appreciate her significant other, and it would have been difficult if she believed that she was betrayed. Consequently, the fastest way to deal with such a situation is to run away.

Oddly enough, this is a pattern of behavior which does not bode well for future development of relationships!

In fact, I’d suggest that you don’t expect to have a life without difficulty. Rather, welcome the difficulty and take it on as a challenge you have to face to bring yourself to the next level of personal fulfillment.