In studying the whole idea of the ability to create action, my previous article alluded to a concept known as personal power. However, just defining personal power as the ability to take action is insufficient. I can take action, but why should I if I know that it will end up in failure? The most common theme in success training is simply that “you can”. It’s great and inspirational, but fairly limiting if you don’t have accompanying skills.

Actually, the problem with such an approach is that you might end up with greater anxiety. By getting oneself hyped up alone without sufficient building of skills often causes more problems in the long term than you think. It becomes a vicious cycle because it will influence future decisions. For instance, you may attend a retreat that is a “team building” session that gives you a high after, but the fact is you start picking on challenges where you really have no skills to handle.

In many cases, then, to build willpower is to build not just the drive and determination to move forward, but also to be able to create the “pathways” or the possibilities. In many cases, therefore, those who are good with contingency planning will often find the different ways to achieve their goal, giving them a higher likelihood that they will achieve their outcome, rather than sit there and do nothing. In a sense, the level of creativity and willingness to tolerate ambiguity comes into the picture.

My worry in most cases is that motivational talks give a spur of the moment experience, but do not help with the development of confidence overall. It is therefore necessary for one to be put into a “possibility” mode, and given tools to carry out these possibilities.

There was a participant  I had once who was really good at coming out with ideas, but because of limited self-efficacy, was not able to push his ideas forward. Once his self-efficacy was better developed, and when he had a higher level of confidence in pushing his ideas forward, he was able to convince himself to embark on new jobs and projects. Still, his ability to push on with his idea was limited as he didn’t put in 100% of what he could have, largely because the options that he had were finite. When he realized, through coaching, that there were many other possibilities he could pursue to enhance his possibilities of success, he felt that he had better control over his choices and direction, raising his willpower to pursue this goal.

As you may realize, goal-setting is an extremely important tool that this person had to learn to build the capacity of willpower. According to the concept of “hope”, it refers not just to the average person’s understanding of “pray and hope”, but rather a sense of drive in action as well as choice of strategy.

Another thing that is necessary to build willpower is emotional resourcefulness. One simple way I often teach my participants to do is to begin revisiting positive emotional states. Most people tend to visit negative emotional states. I know many people tend to feel bad because their thoughts are on auto-pilot. They don’t know how to manage thinking. It’s not about just positive thinking – it’s about knowing how to interrupt negative thoughts, and also replacing those thoughts with more productive and directive thoughts. To learn how this is done, one should be certified in NLP with a qualified and experienced NLP Trainer. Without effective emotional resource-building skills, one’s ability to develop PsyCap will be limited.

To expand your emotional resource-building capabilities, write me at Facebook and stay notified about my next NLP Certification training workshop.

In my previous article, I had focused quite heavily on Psychological Capital or PsyCap. Today, I’d like to zoom into one major element of PsyCap known as self-efficacy. This has been highly validated in the research literature so this isn’t going to be an academic discussion. Rather, this is an attempt to put the science into practice and leverage the value of the research.

For the longest time, I’d been training people in advancing their self-efficacy and didn’t realize it. But what you don’t know also means you don’t really know what you are doing and how much more you can do.

Let’s first of all define self-efficacy. Another term is “confidence”. So it’s natural for people to think that confidence is simply a feeling you have or don’t have rather than a state you can develop. Self-efficacy has been a psychological construct that stems from Albert Bandura’s work in social psychology. However, the concept has been so applicable in the area of organizations, that it blossomed into a whole myriad of research papers in various areas.

While training my participants, a large number of my interventions are meant to increase confidence. First, through demonstration. Here… let me show you I can do it. Second, through guided exercise. Here… do it and let me give you feedback. Finally, to set a benchmark and stretch my participants to achieve goals. Interestingly, all of this is validated by the research science.

But what makes people want to achieve their goals in the first place? Some people simply talk about the idea of “personal power”, which is fine as a snazzy motivational rah-rah term. What it really refers to is the ability to take action which stems from one’s belief that they can do it in the first place. There’s something known as generalized self-efficacy (general self-confidence) and outcome expectancy (the level of confidence that you will reach your outcome). It seems that by gradually stretching someone increases the difficulty of that assignment. Shouldn’t someone feel more stressed out? Well, in this case, the interesting thing is that the more stress you have that you can cope with, while having performed an action to achieve your goal often leads you to a state called satisfaction.

Once you have a sense that this was a breakthrough or an achievement, you will realize that the breakthrough actually helps you to achieve more. You’ve become “experienced”.

The trick, though, is to get leaders to understand that there must be effective ways to enhance a person’s efficacy. Over the years, I’ve also come to respect the need for well-trained coaches. Most coaches have absolutely no background in psychology, let alone cutting edge craft. No matter what their skill level, it would be impossible for them to help individuals attain their goals effectively. On the other hand, with a clear psychological background, coaches will then have more tools in their arsenal to be able to bring their clients to a desired plane.

Of the many things that can be done, allow me to mention three things that you can do to build self-efficacy in general. Firstly, you want to learn to set goals. Goal-setting theory is already one of the most well-founded bases upon which you can increase motivation and confidence. Setting goals, however, requires someone who can read you and stretch you effectively, without making it a traumatic experience.

Secondly, you want to consider the idea of mental rehearsal, or visualization. Most people who have watched the cult hit, “The Secret” will think it is some ritual that may be hocus pocus. While the movie brought the idea into the minds of the masses, it does not teach the proper way of visualization. It’s not just about vividness; it’s about bringing processes and familiarity into the mental frame. It’s really about visiting your actions in your mind and doing it so that you are able to walk through the steps confidently. And more importantly, it’s not just about an outcome, but also the context of the environment of the expected outcome! In other words, you have to be concerned not just about running that race and sprinting, but the various triggers in that environment that could spark off other counter-reactions to your success.

Finally, you have to consider coaching. An effective coach is a partner for success, but there are selective criteria by which you choose a coach. Coaching style is not the issue. The issue comes from your ability to work with the coach and have an effective relationship with him or her. Insight is not as important as your ability to engage within that coaching relationship.

This is one of many ways in which we can develop self-efficacy. For a more academic angle, you may want to get Albert Bandura’s 1997 publication on self-efficacy, where he does better justice to this topic. For the average person, though, this re-discovery of the roots of confidence should not surprise you. But mark my words: you won’t do anything about it unless you have hired a proper coach to guide you through the various elements of your personal development journey.

If you’re seeking a coach, contact me and we’ll have a discussion about what we can do together to achieve your goals.

I’ve been speaking with people who are supposed to be employed and supposed to be satisfied with their lot in life. But they are unhappy. I say “supposed” because when you make a fair and objective comparison, they shouldn’t have any problems and yet they are somehow not satisfied with their work, their environment or company direction. The company gives fantastic perks, the possibility of promotion, challenge and more, so you might be wondering what’s wrong with these people, right?

There was a time I had questioned the value of education until I started to reflect, not just about the value of the examination itself, but the psychological advantage it gave me. In the past, taking an examination was nothing but a chore until I learnt how to take advantage of the system and played it like a game. Soon, scoring good examination grades were nothing more than a predictable and controllable series of actions I could take. You could therefore say that aceing an exam was easier because I knew what to do.

Using this metaphor, you could say I gained far more from exams than my peers. Their view of the world remains that exams are a waste of time. My point is that things are a waste of time as far as you see. A quote I recently reviewed was “We don’t see things the way they are… we see things the way we are” and very succinctly sums up my point. People who view things as a waste of time, who see unfairness affecting them but still play to the tune of the victim and don’t rise up to the challenge often seem defeated even before the start of the battle.

The question is that we can have all the technology and physical resources on hand. But as they say, the flesh is willing, but the spirit is weak. The one thing that is missing is psychological capital, a concept that encompasses a higher self-confidence (technically self-efficacy), psychological hope, psychological optimism, and resilience. All concepts have been shown in academic literature to be related but not the same.

While we logically know this is useful, how important is it for an organization? Well, if you have a defeated set of troops, how can you fight? Basically, psychological capital is something you build in order to meet a challenge. In many organizations, people complain to me that they don’t really feel like doing something. So for instance, they might experience lethargy and procrastination. They have great excuses that nobody can counter (“it’s because the culture of the organization is like that” or “why bother meeting targets, we always end up suffering”). Even though the excuses are accurate, they are merely one facet on the multi-faceted face of reality. As we all know, gaining perspective allows us to interpret the same thing in different ways.

Strangely, people think of this as rah-rah motivation. In reality, it’s so well grounded in the academic literature. A person may be wealthy but when they are betrayed they have no sense of resilience to bounce back, they lose everything due to one singular event. A really bright student may be great but when she steps into a class where everyone is doing well, she compares herself against the class only to find her emotional state  uncontrollable and lapsing into performance anxiety and fails the class. A top sportsman stands in the court and completely loses it because of an inability to draw from psychological capital, maybe because someone they love had gotten into a terrible accident and their mind was clouded and distracted.

Unbelievable, right? Just one incident (albeit valid and unfortunate sometimes) destroys the very thing we stand for. In such a situation, how is it possible to ever triumph? I think the concept of psychological capital or “PsyCap” (the measure, like “IQ” is the measure of intelligence) can help us to understand how to develop.

Researchers in the field already know that PsyCap is a predictor of future performance. If your PsyCap drops, so does your performance. If your PsyCap increases, so does your performance. The issue is the ability for organizations to raise the PsyCap. Sometimes, it happens purely by mistake. Sometimes it happens by rallying people to a cause. Often, it takes place whenever there is a crisis. Why does this happen? Basically, there’s no more excuse. There’s something worth fighting for. There’s a reason for existing.

Companies focus so much on corporate governance of money, they forget a lot about the corporate governance of the mind. Organizational inefficiencies, distrust, lack of openness, fear, anger and conflict can frequently cause extremely difficult situations in the minds of the person. And as we know, those who are not predisposed to share information either because of introversion or because they think their boss is an ass, such information goes undiscussed and everything remains status quo. SQ. Stupidity Quotient?

I’m not saying “rock the boat”. Look at the way your human capital is being developed. Is it really the skills and abilities alone? Just because someone can perform, does not mean that he or she wants to perform. If you force them (make it a must for them), you could get a backlash of consequences due to perceived organizational unfairness.

To build the psychological resources within an individual, one must go back and look at the elements that create psychological capital through proper measuring, planning and coaching… and, like a healthy individual going for a medical checkup yearly, one needs to measure PsyCap regularly.

For information about building your psychological resources, comment on this article for a discussion (remember to leave your email, which is not shown to the public).

It seems that few people actually understand the notion of motivation. To most, motivation is a feeling. It’s the rush and the high that gets people excited, and all too often, causes disappointment because it didn’t last. But why have such expectations in the first place? Usually, people think of motivation as a harbinger of disappointment. The typical skeptic that sits in the audience with folded arms waiting to see how long this will last. Sadly, for such people, they will never get to enjoy the benefits of exhilaration of the moment. But that’s not even what this post is about. Motivation is a feeling. But for motivation to influence performance, it needs to be structured in the environment of performance. It is also cognitive (thought based), and requires a set of skills to be able to maintain.

EXTERNAL ENVIRONMENT

It has been long known that the organizational climate tends to influence the way an individual performs. Some people call this culture. I’ve experienced cultural changes and I know that whenever the environment pushes an individual in one direction, it is often very unconscious. In schools, for instance, when a group of people appear to suddenly become very motivated, it may be shortlived. A proper way of sustaining motivation is through effective motivational coaching. This needs to be implemented within the day-to-day environment, very much like how you need a teacher to teach a particular subject.

INTERNAL (COGNITIVE) ENVIRONMENT

As a trainer, counselor or coach, I have to always bear in mind that the external environment has a certain level  of gravity of behavior. At the same time, such behavior can be shifted through an internal locus of control. By teaching people how to be better able to control their internal environments enables them to be far more independent in making their minds up about what is or isn’t possible. A few people I know tend to hold external loci of control because they are limited by their own beliefs. They do not think that their own capabilities will see them through. An effective motivational coach is able to handle these limitations and enable an individual to break away from this limitation.

Motivation is a way of life. It is just like the way you brush your teeth or tie your shoelaces. Once you learn to do it, you keep doing it until it becomes a part of everyday life. Anyone who mistakes motivation for just a mere feeling can still feel that exhilaration of the moment, but will not be likely to apply this to improving performance.

Everyone faces their darkest hour at some point of life or other. These moments may be traumatic, demeaning and just plain ugly. As a life coach and counselor to some, I’ve discovered that there’s a reason why I get a chance to participate in their lives and to illuminate them. At other times, I participate in the darkness through negative thinking and being pessimistic. While I believe both sides are just as pervasive in our lives, the question is whether we choose one over the other.

I recently met up with a friend who was going through a painful divorce. He was badly shaken, even though he didn’t express the hurt that he had gone through. His spouse of twelve years ended the relationship and went to another man. When I asked how he was coping, he just said that “life goes on”, in a somewhat nonchalant manner. Unfortunately, this is a typical avoidance response that comes as a result of hiding the truth.

As far as I know, although he had been the sole breadwinner for the family, his son had no respect for him as a father, had behavioral problems and the like. The truth is, he had assumed that his responsibility for earning money outstripped the need for being a father and being a husband. I don’t think this has struck him yet, and I don’t mean to counsel everyone I meet (given the fact that this friend of mine is just that, a friend, not a client). Does he not see that he was part of the problem? Is he unaware that by blaming his wife, he has forgotten that there is a lesson that he has yet to learn – taking responsibility?

I’ve also known a couple who had gone through similar problems. But through their own acceptance of the situation, acceptance of responsibility and the willingness to forgive, be forgiven and to reconcile through concrete actions, have continued to lead a very fulfilling marriage, and a renewal of commitment to each other.

I had spoken with a friend who had been having some problems in the workplace. These problems came because she was talented, and her boss really liked her and made her sort of the regional head of all shops. Unfortunately, the shop that had the best performance also had a shop manager who was constantly backbiting her and defiant, thinking that she was not deserving of the regional position.

I’m sure such a case is a dime a dozen in many places in the world. This friend of mine, however, was a little more patient. Yes, she was exasperated by the lack of cooperation, but she was tolerant and willing to win others over. In a few weeks, the floor manager had been converted and appeared to have a change of heart. Why?

Conversely, I’ve known people who work in an environment, have the best of relationships with their teammates, but end up leaving, failing to reconcile small differences (‘you stole my client’, ‘you said bad things to the boss about me’), even though they were clearly misunderstandings.

This comes back to the question of whether you want to be the light or part of the darkness. By listening to and understanding someone else and taking responsibility for one’s part (you need to believe that you have a part to play in rehabilitation of a relationship) in an interpersonal breakdown. Blaming and looking externally does not solve the issue. Looking inwardly begins to help you to change things for the better.

It takes a great deal of maturity and compassion to be able to take a step out of our own selfish selves to consider the feelings and emotions of other people. Maybe you might think that being selfless isn’t ‘your thing’, or that it is silly to forgive someone who has hurt you. Think again – I’ve never seen a war become better by firing more weapons; I’ve never seen an epidemic end by increasing exposure in the population.

Can you create more love by blaming?

Can you create more understanding by sticking to your own point of view?

Light: the smallest speck of it in a dark room illuminates the whole room. It also requires the bearer of the light to take the effort to make a spark.

I’ve been asked in many of my coaching sessions about my experience with different cultures because my job requires me to travel fairly widely across most parts of South-East Asia, China and the US.

I’ve also been privileged to know some people who wield power in organizations as well as in some parts of their respective governments. It’s interesting to know that cultural differences are still one of the most difficult things to be aware of, especially leaders who are not exposed globally. Having had the opportunity to peer inside the minds of those who are leading organizations, cultural myopia is a common problem. This is due to the fact that the way we do things in one country is very often the way we expect to do things in another country. Typically, it’s the same thing that happens when you look out through your own eyes and model of the world, expecting others to think the same way.

We need to harvest proper cultural experience very urgently for a variety of reasons.

• Globalization
• Freedom to access information
• Build up of  Information technology
• Pervasiveness and desirability of IT tools and gadgets

Globalization

We are no longer living in the dark ages where we have to ‘discover’ new tribes and colonies. Today, the world as we know it has grown. In the past, a trip to the North Pole would have been deemed a dangerous mission. Today, this is effortless. Travel and tourism is one of the most important industries for many economies, and being exposed to a different culture is entertaining (yes, no more tribal wars like in the days of knights and fiefdoms). This impacts the speed at which we learn about other people and other cultures. But just like moving from a room that is really bright into a really dark room, you need to orientate yourself and get yourself accustomed to behaviors and experiences you may deem to be unfamiliar.

Build Up Of Information Technology.

In the past, to be able to know what the capital city of, say, Khazakstan, you would have to search an encyclopedia of knowledge. Today, Information Technology allows you to access library databases at the click of a mouse button. The good old days of 9600 kbps dialup modems are gone, and we have fibre optic cables that allow for gigabit transmissions. Sooner or later, the speed of transmission could allow us to be like Captain Kirk of the USS Enterprise, saying “Beam me up, Scotty“

Freedom of Access To Information

Of course this takes me to the Google equation. Before, we would have libraries and encyclopedias. Today, we have search engines, and none have been as accurate and relevant as Google searches due to their complex and ever-advanced search algorithms. Almost everything in the world can be searched now due to their immense database accumulated over the last decade. You can learn about cultures easily, but you need to weed out the media and biased views from a few Netizens who expose only a few things about culture. It is about connecting with people and learning about them directly through the Social media (e.g. Facebook). The technology is already there. The problem is that individuals just aren’t aware enough to start breaking away from their current paradigm of the world and enter into a real learning conversation from someone from, say, Estonia or China or Israel or Singapore. The trouble is access to information that only a team can have becomes a potential stumbling block. As a leader, the ability to team knowledge and team learning is going to be extremely important. And, if you don’t do it, I’m quite sure once your competitors learn how to do this, your business could become obsolete.

Pervasiveness of Desired Technology

From MP3 players to iPhones to tablet PCs, each individual consumer electronic product has given power to individuals to capture information at a level of quality that only the media had access to in the past. Now, you can point and click in order to capture information. Anyone can literally not know anything today, and use almost any electronic gadget you have to plug into the world of knowledge. The sooner we leverage this technology, the better! Today, we have a generation of children growing up to expect such technology in the workplace. The differences are getting more obvious: the need to use technology, the need for speed and efficiency, the desire for a dynamic work environment… these are going to ultimately drive an individual’s desire to work within a team, and can represent different sub-cultures within an organization.

By being aware of this, leaders can now have better leverage as long as they can prepare for the inevitable. The state of affairs will change the way we lead our teams, and we should be ready for it.

I took a trip to Japan recently and was all the rave about the culture and the people there. I’d been asking myself why there was such a difference between Japanese culture and other parts of the world. I’ve been to Malaysia, Indonesia, China, Hong Kong, Australia and the US.

While many of my friends tend to complain about service in most of these countries, I was personally pleasantly surprised by the level of service  especially so in Japan. The level of patience and “wow” service was quite amazing. For example, since it was the first time my family and I were in Japan, we had to ask for directions at the train station. For a beginner, the train network was quite confusing, with multiple providers and multiple stations. We had kind of sorted out where to go, when the officer at the station told us there was a faster way, and promptly refunded all our money and pointed us in the right direction.

Yes, these were competing train line providers. Yet, the focus was on the convenience of the visitor. Did this train line (Tokyo subway) lose out to the JR line? Well, not really. They did provide a great impression and also they created a positive for Japan overall.

Let’s draw a lesson from this: sometimes, providing good service helps the overall industry to win, not just the company alone. It would be really sad that an industry is avoided simply because of the bad press of a few companies cutting and slashing at each other.

It boils back down to the leaders within the organizations involved to be able to develop their people to think a little broader, beyond just the immediate term solution. In fact, the main thing is if you are constantly focused on the next 5 minutes, you won’t be able to proceed to create wins in the broader scheme of things.

Interestingly enough, Singapore’s Prime Minister, Lee Hsien Loong, was quoted yesterday as encouraging a middle path amid the looming foreign currency war as part of the  G20 Summit in Seoul. This takes into account the fact that economically stronger nations could support weaker economies by strengthening their currencies a little where they could afford. I think this was quite interesting because it not only demonstrates the ability to avoid the black and white thinking approach, but also create wins all around. Would it be a sacrifice? sure. But it is something that will benefit everyone overall in the long run.

We all expect certain things to happen in our mental models of the world. So unless we are taught to take a different approach or a more creative stance, it is highly likely we will fall flat in our pursuit of excellence. In customer service, for example, we expect waiters to attend to us immediately. Brian Tracy goes on a fake tirade during his presentations and says “the reason why we are in the restaurant is because we’re hungry you assholes!“(and of course the audience responded with laughter) I’m certain the restaurant never gets the point because in many circumstances, they are a victim of their own success. The more popular they are, the more customers they get and the lower the quality of their food!

Once again, it points to the idea that we have to constantly upgrade and change in order to become better. Every level of success will present for itself an additional level of challenge.

Back to Japan, I had a surprise also when we walked into a tempura bar. This bar is the kind where they will cook your order when you place it right in front of you, and was quite a novel experience. They got us to hang our jackets (we were experiencing 50 degrees Fahrenheit at night) and take off our shoes, which we placed in a shoe rack before getting to the bar. I’d personally already forgotten that there was a shoe rack in the first place, because I was enjoying my dinner. So when it was time to foot the bill, something strange happened. The shoes had automatically appeared out of nowhere, laid out in front of us at the foot of the place where we had left them. Of course, I processed it and thought ‘shoes don’t move on their own’. It was the attendant who had memorized what shoes we were wearing, and laid it out for us when we were leaving. I’m sure they had a system for remembering or else they wouldn’t have been able to handle the dozens of customers who were in their restaurant that night. Another point scored for Japan.

No matter where you are: a Prime minister in a G20 summit, a train station officer, a restaurant attendant or a public speaker running an event, we all need to strive for surprise – the ability to find a path that is more innovative to engage their audience/customers/suppliers.

Finally, shopping for shoes. My sister-in-law has tiny feet, so it’s impossible to find shoes anywhere in the world for her other than custom-made shoes. The problem for her is that she has had hers made and many of the shoes may look pretty but are not comfortable at all. Lo and behold, we chanced upon a shop that had SS sized shoes – size 20.5 to 22 (cm). These are the kind of shoes that your young teenage daughter might have at the kid’s department store. the only difference was the shoes were comfortable and good looking. Problem – each of them were over $200 a pair, a far cry from the traditional $20 Charles and Keith shopping mall sales. But, she went in to see how well the shoes fit anyway. Pair after pair, the attendant patiently brought suitable selections, in spite of a problem with language. Eventually, after going through almost 40 pairs of shoes, my sister bought five pairs. To be honest, I think we didn’t pay for the shoes, really. 90% of the cost of the shoes would easily have been attributed to the pleasant natured lady who attended to her, and it was worth it. Strangely, this seems to be a culture in Japan. Yet, in Singapore, we’re just scratching the surface of this, praising people who have GEMS programs in their company for ‘going the extra mile’. Wow. And here in Japan, they don’t mind going the extra few hundred miles… with a smile.

I figure this: attitude is something that we can never tell someone to have. I couldn’t go to an employee and say “improve your attitude” and it magically happens. But what can be done is to empower the organizational culture so that such behaviors and attitudes continue to shine. It’s therefore imperative that businesses constantly focus on bringing out the best in their employees through any form of training, coaching and mentoring. After all, one employee in the above case, could spend just under an hour to help the company earn over $1000 in shoe sales. Go ahead and crunch the numbers. Is that not proof of a decent return on investment?

Perhaps you are one of many millions of people all around the world who want to achieve personal success. Perhaps, you are someone who has set goals and set your mind to achieve these goals. Maybe, you have even been successful. At least for a while. The irony of the pursuit of success is that it begins to feed people in different ways. Some people are fed the success of wealth. Others, the success of love. And still others, the success of wisdom. Whatever the case, the Paradox Principle is what drives ultimate success in the world. Our job is to be able to accept the Paradoxes that occur in our lives, and be able to flexibly maneuver through these apparent obstacles to manage our successes.

Paradox Unleashed

When an individual expresses the desire to achieve something, a chain reaction begins. The intention to reach out causes different kinds of action and reaction. So, you set your target to be wealthy. The moment you do that, the environment begins to feel the pulse of your activity. In some cases, the very act of movement causes the Ripple Effect in consciousness. People who are supportive add to the positive impact of that goal. But others, who may act against it in jealousy and fear, intrude either consciously or unconsciously.

And in addition, our invisible forces within ourselves cause a tremendous flux. You may seek to achieve success but internal beliefs may skew you in a different direction. You know that achieving your goals is a good thing but the reality is very different. It could be an interplay of your emotions, your memories, your beliefs, your values,  your personality and your identity.

The Paradox of Emotion

When moving toward your goals, there might be a tussle. In many cases, the idea is that you need to be highly driven or motivated to achieve your goal. Most people don’t think that there is any other way to achieve. It’s a myth that it’s all hype. Sometimes, it is despair, fear, compassion and love that propel us forward. It requires one to be more focused in seeking out an emotional state that is effective in helping us achieve our desired outcome. The paradox of emotion is simply this: many people think that emotion is ‘natural’, and therefore whatever we ‘fake’ into doing in not real. In reality, you can change your emotional state if you have the appropriate tools. This is not control or faking. It’s simply knowing how emotional states function. In the world of NLP, we talk about solution states and problem states. Problem states lead us to ineffective outcomes. Solution states help us to counteract those problematic states and lead us to more effective outcomes.

The Paradox Of Memory

When was the last time you had an argument? In that argument, did you feel your point of view was correct? Ironically, when I ask that question, there are many people who will vehemently say they were in the right. But you can put the same arguing parties in the same room and they both will raise their hands to say they were correct in their argument. What gives?

Interestingly, it is not the accuracy of their memories that is the problem. The issue is the acceptance of that point of view that is the problem. In many cases, there have been instances where people may actually develop experiences that are not real, but fantasized.

Memories may not serve a person well because of a simple fact – we do not re-investigate our memories. When you were a very young child, you would have remembered a house as much bigger than today. The main problem is not that the house became smaller, but you became bigger physically. I remember clearly, the days I spent at my grandmother’s house in Malacca. As a 7-year old child, I definitely remember the room as really big and spacious. After many years not visiting and I returned as an adult, the room was familiar but felt much smaller and crammed. I was 21 years old, and my mind was reconciling the ‘space’ difference… in my mind.

If the brain has to keep updating this information through time, and we can recognize this for physical changes, will we be able to recognize these changes in our beliefs and values? For instance, why is it that sometimes, you get upset by someone without realizing why it was so important that you got upset? She could have made a passing remark, and you got irritated. Could it be that the memory you used to have has yet to be updated?

I remember I used to get irritated by the phrase “you’re too young to do xyz” because I felt it was not fair to judge my capabilities based on my age alone. I also heard this being used on others sometimes, and the feeling of unfair judgement crept in once again. It was all too familiar, and until I investigated it, I didn’t know where it came from, how it was related to me and why it was taking up a lot of decision-making processing speed psychologically, when working in teams. Perhaps back then, hiring a young team (and not wanting to admit that they were really not mature enough to handle certain things in a business) was my way of making things work for me… until it (paradoxically) didn’t.

The Paradox Of Beliefs And Values

There will be situations where you strive to achieve success. On one hand it gives you great satisfaction to reach out to get your success. You may sense the initial euphoria of achievement. At the same time, that kind of success will bring additional new challenges. Sure, you reach for wealth and attain it, but the challenges come  along with that. The temptation to flaunt it. The haunting thought if the friends you have are genuine. The ability to control and manage it. The ability to use it wisely. When your wealth creates more problems for you, it creates a split in your soul. How can it be that something you have worked so hard to achieve have such disappointing results?

Well, to be frank, it’s not the result that is the problem. The issue stems from the fact that you are blaming the outcome in the first place. Let’s suppose you are walking (action) toward your house (goal). In the process, you fell into a hole and broke your ankle (obstacle). Somehow you overcame that obstacle (change strategy). However, you did not go back to the root cause of the problem (broken ankle). You continued to execute your original plan of working toward your outcome. It now hurts to walk toward your house, when it was so easy before. Now, because of the simplistic “cause and effect” thinking of our chronological mind, we associate the pain with the outcome rather than figuring out how to heal the ankle!

So, you end up with two minds. The outcome is exciting for you, but it hurts to move toward it. The value of achievement conflicts with the value of love. The feeling of intimacy conflicts with the fear of betrayal. All these are commonplace conflicts but many of us don’t understand the psychological impact it can have on goals – you literally freeze and don’t do anything! Unfortunately, then it’s taken as ‘procrastination’ when in reality, you might have a psychological gap that stops you from proceeding.

This is the manifestation of a conflict within you, and will require some form of healing and inner therapy to resolve. Hey, if Windows needs updating due to patch fixes, I don’t see why a human wouldn’t need one of these once in a while too.

The Paradox Of Personality

It is said that personality is fixed at our true core, according to Jung. While this is true, finding this true core personality is very difficult because we change different environments and therefore shift our behavior accordingly. There have been countless situations where I have been deemed an extravert by many people. But I don’t derive energy from interacting with people always. There are good friends whom I would expend my energy with, but extraversion activities mostly drain me (yes, that includes training in a seminar).  It doesn’t mean that Jung wasn’t correct. It merely means we need to learn how to hit a moving target.

Imagine I met someone whom at face value took me to be an extravert and we started to work with each other on projects. In no time, you would find that this creates tension in me because this is not my typical mode of work. Ironically, that which got me this project contact also drains me further!

I like to put this in the context of the dating. We all know that we behave differently in times of stress. Imagine you met your life partner when you were performing at your best, and vice versa. You’d know when there was a ‘dip’ and your partner required support. However, imagine if you met your life partner when both of you were at your worst. You’d still be attracted to each other, it’s just that you’d be attracted to their ‘shadow’ self.

The question is so obvious: do you really know your personality? Do you know when it wavers? Are you even aware that when you interact with people under different situations and levels of stress, that you behave differently and create impressions of yourself differently with the people around you? What kind of impact is that likely to have on your desired goals and direction? What if… the fact that you set the goal affects your personality? The systemic repercussions are going to be important to consider, and a high level of self awareness would be a requirement as you progress toward your outcomes.

The Paradox Of Identity

I mentioned in my last article on Identity that certain conflicts may occur. I didn’t offer solutions related to the consequences arising from those conflicts largely because it would take quite a long time to explain. However, I think it warrants a short answer at least.

When you are stuck between your idea of yourself and others’ expectations of you, you end up being driven toward stagnation. It is happening almost everywhere: when parents drive their children to choose careers they did not want; when employees expect certain things of their employers; when a man expects unrealistic things of his spouse or children.

These expectations themselves are not ‘bad’. But as an analogy, have you ever loaded a PS3 CD into a PC or Mac? I mean, they are all running on completely different platforms and you can hardly expect them to work. Likewise, your expectations are definitely different from your parents’/employers’/spouse… but what is your ‘why’ behind it? It is easier for them to buy into the reason why because if it is meaningful, there will be consensus. If it isn’t meaningful, then there will be dissent.

Coming back to your own idea of identity, imagine that one side of you feels that you should be a winner in life. You’ve experienced that in life. But at the same time, there might be another side that expects you to fail, and that was also a past experience. Rather than resolving this inner conflict, you suppressed it. So, left forgotten, it manifests itself in procrastination and not wanting to take action on things unless some kind of awareness is built around this issue.

So is it really serious? Well, many of the conflicts stem from past interpretations of situations. All it requires is an update to be downloaded. Into your brain. Such a process is known as reimprinting in NLP. I’ve used the process (of course modified to suit each individual’s differences) to help them gain clarify in life purpose and direction, resolve inner conflicts and problems, and come to terms with difficulties in their life.

The Paradoxical Conclusion… It’s Just The Beginning!

Okay, so ironically, such difficulties don’t just stop there. They are simply the beginning of the future. Who knows what other issues we might face, real or imagined. The most important thing is to realize that just as we need to brush and floss our teeth on a regular basis to prevent cavities, we need to grow to achieve success. That growing never ends.

It’s been a little bit of a stretch this week working on book, new participants and catching up with some friends while charting a new academic path.

I’ve come to discover more about myself over the years, and sometimes, it’s not really an easy pill to swallow. As much as I am teaching the ideas of success and achievement, I think I belong in a very different world than what people think I am living in.

Sure, a lot of achievements that I have gotten are “successes” as deemed by people: publishing a bestseller, running a multi-million dollar company, being a recognized expert in a field of expertise and so on.

Yet, I’m perturbed by people’s ideas about what success really means. They want to achieve a financial goal, but they are just so limited in their sphere of thinking. It seems to them that you can work hard and just keep working hard and that’s the end of it. Let me tell you that this would be the end of you!

The secret to increasing your wealth is not a rule. Some people make money by making others rich. Others make money by following their passion. In either case, you’d be a fool to think that you could make money simply by that direct path. In reality, most situations require more than just “help others make money” or “follow your passion”. It would be silly, inaccurate and highly misleading to build success that way.

The fact is this: you can strive toward whatever you want and the universe will teach you lessons. The ineffective businessman is taught lessons by being bankrupt. The ineffective public speaker is taught lessons by having a booing audience. The ineffective spouse is humbled by being in an aggravating relationship. The lessons are literally dished out every second you encounter failure, but most of the time, these lessons fall on deaf ears. Everyone just wants a short cut to success.

Well,  I’ve got news for you. You will keep failing and experiencing pain and suffering if you are not on the long cut to success. In other words, the problems you face now will continue to be. There’s really no escaping it until you learn from your mistakes. It may be surprising to you, but I am one of those whom I can say is pursuing my passion that is not money.

Okay – I don’t have a whole lot of money in my bank account. Nor am I bothered much by it. All I know is that as I continue on my path toward more success, these things will be handled well. But, this path can only be smooth if I am guided by an effective moral compass. The trouble will stir if the moral compass is ignored.

This moral compass happens to be the set of values that I hold to be true. Trust me, I’m constantly upgrading my values over time, to take into account both the bigger and the smaller things in life. For instance, attention to detail is a very important skill I have yet to master. However, I do this every day in my professional life, except that it has become natural. By learning that I have already achieved this skill in a different context tells me that the only thing stopping me from being more successful is that if I stop learning.

Success is a step-by-step progressive realization toward your outcome.

I recognize that there are inherent paradoxes.

For example, some people accuse me of saying that wealth is not important. Of course it is important. But the attachment you have to it shouldn’t be gripping. It’s just as in a relationship. You can keep your partner on stranglehold, but it sure ain’t gonna help your relationship!

Another example is “so I shouldn’t focus on financial goals”. Well, you have to focus on financial goals. But some people seem to do it better than others in the most direct manner. Others reach their financial goals by moving through a different pathway.

This is something that I thought I needed to get off my chest. There are those who follow a program to wealth creation but never follow through with it and end up being left out of the path to success. Eventually, they feel jaded, upset and even ashamed that they couldn’t achieve their goals.

Wow! If that were the way the world reacts, then nobody will want to reach for goals. The truth is you are limited by your world view. You don’t know enough, and probably aren’t learning enough. You need to gather wisdom from people around you. Read more. Learn more from others. Get a mentor or coach. At the end, you need to build up your own wisdom in order to achieve a certain level of material, emotional and spiritual maturity.

If you stop learning, you would never come across some of the philosophies of living and find the truth in what you seek. If you think setting goals is merely about writing things that you want to have rather than feeling it all through you, then you’re absolutely wrong in setting that goal. You won’t achieve it because it doesn’t resonate in you.

So while I have been busy picking up learnings from different people, I’m conscious that my learning expands me. You need to be on your learning journey and I know that the learning journey does not just mean reading books or attending seminars. I have a coach whom I work with and develop business ideas with. I have a group of spiritual advisors whom I work with to strengthen my faith. I am embarking on my advanced training as an organizational psychologist with the end outcome of finishing my Ph.D.

I fill my life with learning so that rather than pulling the goal toward me, I grow fast enough so that attaining that goal is simply within my reach. You simply have to equip yourself with learning technologies (both IT and non-IT) that can help you to grow faster!

I’ve been lucky to have picked up the skill of accelerated learning in my earlier years. It’s the single most important thing that has allowed me to be the person I am and fit into the knowledge economy. Having said that, I know a lot of people are struggling to develop their capabilities. Their main excuse is that learning is difficult and that they have been born with a poor memory.

That’s not really all true. I think everyone who can learn better can lead better, earn better and live better. It’s a basic requirement for anyone who is striving to achieve goals. Without the ability to learn, relearn and unlearn new and useful skills, you won’t be able to progress with new initiatives, because new concepts may not be compatible with your old way of learning.

Take for example, IT. If you realized by now, some people who have refused to learn to take up basic information technology are now sidelined. What’s worse, IT is more complex than it was 10 years ago. Today, you have new emerging technologies that require even more time to pick up. And guess what: people who are in the field of business are making their millions tapping into the knowledge of IT.

There are two starting points to this. First, accelerated learning. You must know the basic technologies. Second, neurolinguistic programming. As a meta science, it focuses on modeling what is working, and therefore, helps the individual practitioner learn more about the people around him or her.

Imagine this. You are employed in a new workplace environment. What might happen if you could learn faster than your peers? What might you be able to contribute in a meeting? Or in a project? What might happen if you could digest enough information to save the organization $5m in costs? Or help see opportunities simply because you are more widely read?

Learning is a significant skill, and it’s a pity that we are putting a lot of our priorities backward. For instance, people spend more on a branded pen than learning how to learn. The first step is easy: pick up a book to learn or attend an accelerated learning course. The next steps are much harder: applying it. And that is where you have to build and maintain the discipline and commit to becoming a lifelong learner.

Random ramblings on learning

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