I was having a ‘collective’ conversation with my wife over the last few meal slots we had at a seminar.. We were having a discussion about making changes to some plans we had and going to a conference, but there was a dilemma. We didn’t know how to make the decision.

I guess it’s common, right? I know a lot of people who kinda make decisions on a whim, or don’t make decisions at all. And I think the trouble with many people is that they can’t make decisions.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learnt is this: when you make a decision, you have to hold on to something that you can trust. It could be God, your gut or even confidence in yourself. But whatever the case, the decision has to be 100% owned and trusted by you.

We’ll explore why this is important in a bit. But let’s look first at the reasons why people can’t make decisions.

Reason #1: Under emotional duress

It shouldn’t surprise you that we make bad decisions under emotional duress, right? I mean, if you feel bad and you get married, don’t expect it to be a good marriage. I haven’t seen anyone feel depressed and invest in a good stock either. Unfortunately, unless there is a certain level of awareness, it’s quite hard to make out what you are feeling in the first place. Some emotions do drive us to get things done. The question is what kinds of emotions will you need to be in control of in order to get yourself to do the things you need to do? You need to know what kinds of  emotions that (1) drive you to go in the right direction, (2) the wrong direction and those emotions that (3)  get you to stay put.

If you’re angry at someone and you decided on a whim to take revenge, you would definitely get driven to act. However, that kind of action may not lead you toward the goals you desire, or create more abundance in the world. It is a ‘red ocean’ that is created from destruction.

Conversely, if you are angry at someone and know how to “stay put”, you would probably be able to create a lot more good out of the experience than taking revenge, even if you couldn’t use this feeling to move forward.

The ultimate experience would be to convert that anger into a different emotion in order to be abundance oriented: forgiveness and compassion. It’s not a difficult thing to do, but it is one of the most crucial abilities that define you in moments of darkness.

Reason #2: Head versus Heart of a Fragmented self

You’ve definitely felt this! Sometimes, when you are bogged down by a decision, you are basically in the mode where your head and heart tussle for a solution. It feels difficult to make a decision because both are equally valid when you weigh on the scales to decide. The main cause of this is inner fragmentation. There are definitely things that are holding you back, and some of them stem from past issues you haven’t cleared or haven’t yet come to a resolution to.

However, the reason why you have a problem is not because you can’t make a decision, but the fact that you are fixated around certain things surrounding this decision.

For example, there was a time in the past where my beliefs about money would interfere with my ability to charge money. I had this belief that in order to generate a decent amount of income, I would have to put in many more hours of work in order to generate that ‘well-deserved’ income. And that was something that prevented me from seriously taking advantage of many possible opportunities that came my way. I think if I counted all the lost and missed opportunities, I would have to admit losses of several tens of millions of dollars. These issues are readily settled through an active analysis and alignment of your own beliefs, values and identity, the process of which I will probably have to discuss in one of my webinars. If you haven’t already, head down to my main page and register yourself on my mailing list to be notified.

Clarity of Your Decision-Making process

There’s basically only two ways you can make a decision. One method is through a logical process. The second method is through an emotional process. Both ways are not perfect, and usually using only one method will really be flawed.

What I find to be useful not just in business but in one’s personal life is something called ‘Force Field’ analysis. Basically, you have something you’d like to wrap your head around, a business. In deciding, you list the pros and the cons on either side of the topic, and start listing points. You then weight the points on a scale of 1 to 5, each representing a level of importance for this point to you. Then, you total them up, as follows:

In the example above, I’ve listed only three for illustrative purposes, but I think you should seriously consider all aspects of your life (in NLP, we call this ecology checking) including the impact a decision will have in your family, your career, your lifestyle, your health and your personal development. If you haven’t got an exhaustive list of personal values, I’ll have a system up for you very soon so that you can clarify your direction and personal motivation more readily, and to also have this in alignment with your goals.

Ultimately, you will have a well thought-out system to allow you to make a proper decision. The reason why this is important is also that the force field analysis does not just take into account your pro and con list arbitrarily – it allows you to explore the importance of each pro and each con from the perspective of your values and what you believe to be important to you by assessing the level of importance of each item on a relative scale.

I hope this is at least the start to clearing out what is important to you and how you can make better decisions. I’m aware that it isn’t exhaustive, but it’s a start. There’s so much more that one will need to do in order to gain effective control over the decisions we make in our lives. Without that kind of clarity, our lives will be lived in slow motion. With proper clarity, we can accelerate the pace with which we achieve our success!

photo credit: dbenkovic

So… I’m almost certain that you’ve been struck senseless by Steve Jobs’ flurry of innovations beginning with the MacBook, the iPod, the iPhone and now the iPad.

There’s a lot to say about genius, and although I have not yet met Steve Jobs myself, I think there’s a certain kind of drive in the man that enables him to push himself forward so much.

If you have not watched this, watch it. If you have watched it, I suggest that you watch again, and turn on the transcription. Where you are in your life today is probably a result of the meanings you establish in your mind. Do you think of failure as terrible, as a way to learn new things, or as something not worth considering? Each of the ways you think of them can define your future.

Comments?

Ah, the wonders of the internet. After getting some mails, I find that many are concerned with the issue of social interaction, so I decided to discuss confidence in a social setting.

According to Carl Jung, we have two sides of our character – the introvert and the extravert. If you take this knowledge into account, you will begin to understand how social confidence is built.

Introversion-oriented people tend to stay in smaller groups, often speaking one-on-one with others and focusing a lot on their work related topics because that is what preoccupies them the most. Extraversion-oriented people will tend to speak randomly about a good number of things and often end up covering a broad number of topic areas in a social interaction.

If you are generally introversion oriented, it will mean you carry off a deeper conversation over a longer period of time in greater depth. However, it does not mean that you will be able to do this across all social situations, only people whom you are able to have some kind of connection with. Most introverts don’t feel comfortable in situations that dictate a broad number of discussion topics.

Generally, extraverts have a better capacity for socializing across different contexts. However, what’s the difference that makes the difference for them?

1. Talking to think. Most of the time, extraverts say what is on their mind, and if they have a well-developed set of social skills, they will know what not to say so that they don’t just blather off everything they feel. This gives an illusion of spontaneity, but in reality, introverts are often not sure of the consequences when they share their inner thoughts.
   
2. Connection with the outside world. Have you ever noticed that people who are introverts seldom, if ever, talk about their environment or the things that happen around them? To mimic what extraverts can do, you need to connect with the outside world and read broadly about things. When initiating contact with people, it’s easier to then pick a recent topic you’ve seen or read about that can create a shift in interest around you.
3. Social awareness. This is a skill I picked up in my training as an NLP Trainer. If you are aware of what people need, who has been speaking or what has been of interest to others, you can start connecting other people and be the nexus of the party where people know you for knowing others. It’s not difficult to maintain awareness of others, as long as you are attentive to them, and truly interested in what they want to share (or at least, don’t ask about things you are not interested in listening to in the first place). If you need, you can even learn some memory skills to master the ability to remember people’s names  over the long term (which, I have mastered only to a certain level, I must admit).
4. Emotional state flexibility. Ah, what would confidence be if it weren’t an emotional state you can control? Change the way you speak and carry yourself and you might find yourself being much better able to speak and interact with appropriate emotion. After all, you want to blend in with the emotion at hand. If people are all serious and you’re clowning away, you’ll be as out of place as a person in a situation that is humorous and you’re just serious.

Ok! There I have it – my top 4, from a very much psychological perspective. If there are further questions, let me know and I’ll furnish you with more answers where possible.

Just recently, a fairly senior manager of a local company approached me and asked me a very surprising question. He asked how he could become more confident in front of his customers.

Now, mind you, this is a manager who has had over 12 years’ experience in the same industry. You would have thought he had the capability to achieve this by now! However, confidence is not just about a skill – it’s a state or a feeling that you need to experience.

So, what really goes on when you are not feeling confident? There’s a certain sense of uncertainty. You’re fearful that something might go wrong. Or, you start thinking of expectations that you can’t fulfill. Ultimately, it leads to a louder and louder nagging self-doubt which often messes up performance.

The simplest way to get rid of a confidence problem is to look beyond the problem. If you’re fearful of something, you’re likely to be afraid of the consequences and the embarrassment it might cause. What if it no longer caused you embarrassment but instead a way to learn from your experience in a fun and memorable manner?

Being in the public speaking industry, I’ve found quite a lot of opportunities to completely embarrass myself. You know, things that detract from the regular training style. You’re all well dressed, then you open up a marker that stains your clothes. Falling on stage! (luckily I haven’t actually done that yet) Or, you drop the marker cap, which jumps like a grasshopper across the room under your participants’ seats while you stoop down to grab it. Or perhaps you want to play a particular piece of music but the MP3 player was damaged… and the list goes on.

So, you’re afraid of approaching new people and speaking to them. Then, the best way to eradicate that fear is to do it, and find out the worst that could happen. Usually, nothing much does happen. The only thing then is to figure out what skill you’re missing. Can’t do the small talk? Can’t seem to fit the group? Well, it’s all about strategy, and you’ll have to open up yourself to more research.

What else might you know where people feel a lack of confidence? Post them here, maybe I could address them.